Hilarious At First - But Then Very Sad For Humanity At Large

In terms of evolution, this is a convincing argument against bipedalism. I can't help but wonder just how much more alcohol the human being could consume should he have evolved a third leg. One could then set oneself tripod-like - safely prepared for the consumption of deadly amounts of booze.
I've never seen intoxication to this extent before. In my experience, people this drunk usually go down and stay down. Again, I laugh at the sheer spectacle of it all, but then it breaks my heart to see examples of lives going wrong like this. As a former alcoholic, I know firsthand that there's much more involved than just stumbling around doing crazy things. This represents missed opportunities, lifelong regrets, lifelong humiliation and embarrassment, the pain of family and loved ones who have to watch this happening. Every day spent drunk is a day not spent reading with your child or hiking in the wilderness.
Sorry if I began to wax poetic there, but this hits a little close to home...And yet, morbidly funny.
I'm not sure where I'm going with this - I just couldn't turn it off once it started.
(p.s. - what's with the song?)

Tech Corner

Hello again! It seems that I can't go a full day anymore without my inbox bursting at the seams with requests for advice and questions. So, in an effort to redouble our efforts here at Tech Corner, we have decided to release back to back articles. We hope this helps.
Okay, let's address a very commonly used, but little understood piece of technological equipment - The Mouse. I'm not talking about a real mouse, but your computer mouse. The mouse got its name because it looks kind of like a real mouse. The body is the plastic part, the tail is the wire, the head is the front part of the plastic part etc.
This little doohickey is how we interface with the world nowadays. This doohickey and the computer buttons. But usually just this. Unless you have to type something. Buttons notwithstanding, lets focus on the mouse.
The mouse itself is made up of several components including:
1.) The plastic case, a ball and a wire.
The case holds the ball and one end of the wire, while the ball does all the rolling. Whatever the ball rolls over is transmitted through the wire to the computer. Modern mouses (or mice) also have some buttons on them which can be depressed with a fingertip, or if you have no fingers for some reason, your thumbtip - either way, the result is the same. By pushing the buttons different things will happen. You just need to spend a little time playing around with it. Roll left, right, up or down. Press the buttons with your finger (or thumb) and see what happens. When something happens, remember what it is and write it down on a piece of paper so that in the future you will be able to refer to your notes. This will ensure a consistent method of learning and memorizing the functions of your mouse.
Don't be afraid...take it for a spin. Technology is here to help us, and I am here to help you!
Thanks for reading and keep those requests coming - Remember, the more you understand, the smarter you are!

Tech Corner

Upon receiving such a massive onslaught of demand for more Tech corner (actual amount - 0), we return with the highly anticipated fourth installment. Many apologies for the hiatus but our entire staff (me) has been caught up in the fight for truth, justice, liberty and the American way. Which fight also includes plenty of rest and casual dining...Dining for justice!!
Anyhow - here we are. As February ebbs and we prepare for the rites of Spring our thoughts turn to natures gift of renewal. Nature has its own way of natural process and one way we, as humans, honor that natural method is by synthesising it and then relying upon it to provide us with the life-sustaining necessities and the quality of living that only simulated nature can provide.
Such is the case with the incubator. Where once mothers womb was the only bastion of repose for all critters growing, nature has provided mankind with an all-natural 120 volt alternative.
The incubator was invented in the early 1950's as a way to keep things warm and growing under strictly supervised conditions. Some of the early uses for the incubator was the chicken egg. Eggs were being laid by hens and then sat upon for weeks and weeks before hatching. The incubator sped up the process by virtually eliminating the hen and hatching the egg in a fraction of the time. The early settings on the incubators required fine-tuning as the hatchlings would often emerge over easy. But today, thanks to modern science, we have incubators that operate with ease and precision.
Here's how it works:
1.) The incubator is plugged in to a power source.
2.) The 'Power' button is activated by a method of either toggling or depression (some variations of this can be found in other means of mechanical engagement).
3.) Power surges forth into the actual incubating chamber.
4.) The desired incubatee is placed in said chamber where it receives steady, metered doses of incubation until, at just the right moment, the incubation is complete.
5.) Out comes planet Earth's newest addition - a baby chicken. Or duck, goose, tomato, or whatever you incubated.
Soon enough, it is predicted, nature will accommodate mankind to such an extent as to render mothers altogether unnecessary. Thanks, Mother Nature!
Well, thanks for all your support and patronage to Tech Corner (actual patronage amount - 0), and we (I) look forward to seeing you all (nobody) again soon.
Remember, the more you understand, the smarter you are!

Harold Manbach Attends Nascar

Racing enthusiast, Harold Manbach keeps one eye on his Bud Light and the other intensely fixed on the hypnotic dance that is Nascar. Harold has observed the beloved tradition of Nascar since he was a child. "Nascar is more than just a sport - It's a way of life," he told us as his favored #24 car makes its 890th lap. "I grew up here at the track. I never get tired of it. I could just watch them cars go round an round all day and all night. I mean, they're just so fast and loud."
Fast and loud indeed. Not unlike, say a Metallica cover band, which happens to be performing next to the empanada stand near the south entrance of the track. "Metallica rocks!" exclaimed Harold with an enthusiasm rivaling his passion for his beloved #24 car and driver. "#24 rocks!" he added.
When we asked Harold what it was, exactly, that he found so intoxicating about the sport he told us, "It's just awesome how they go so fast. Plus the the cars look so cool. Some say 'Skoal' on the side, some say 'Budweiser' and my favorite one says 'Marlboro' right on the hood for the blimp and the whole world to see...that's ole #24!!! Wooooohoooooo!!!"

Harold, age 6, was "raised on Lynyrd Skynyrd and Nascar and was born with a Bud in his bottle".

The Power Button

Just curious - Who decided that this was going to be the new, universal symbol for "Power"? At some point, all power buttons began to have this odd symbol and it seems that the entire globe just intrinsically knew what it meant. I didn't get the memo and it took me years to figure out that it meant "Power". But what IS the symbol? It doesn't look like "Power". I mean, a handicap symbol is a person in a wheel chair - makes sense. A stop sign has the symbol "STOP" on it which really really makes sense. But what is the semi circle broken by a vertical dash? How did we arrive at that? Which committee reviewed all of the proposed symbols and decided that this symbol was the least confusing and best fit for the job?

Classic Python

Ken Lee - Tulibu Dibu Douchoo!

It's no wonder the world is falling down around our ears and we don't know it...We are mesmerized by such incredible spectacles as this. All I can tell you is, tulibu dibu douchoo. I mean it. Dibu Douchoo. And that's my final answer.

Very Useful Information

Carpe Diem!

Here's To Ya, Walmart Pajama People!

Go ahead, let the world know you've given up. It's okay to wear your Dale Earnhardt pajama bottoms to Walmart...and then to bed, and then to lay around the house all day, and then to bed again, and then back to Walmart. After all, you're not trying to impress anyone.

Here's To Ya, White Trash Window Blanket!

Nothing says, "Not now...I'm doing drugs" quite like a White Trash Window Blanket. From The Confederate Flag to Ozzy Osbourne. From The New York Jets to A Skull With A Snake Wrapped Around It. The White Trash Window Blanket offers the privacy you need to cook meth while maintaining that midnight ambiance throughout mid day. Plus, it's a darn good way to display your colors. Here's to ya!

Mitch Hedberg - I would have hung out with this guy in high school

Classic Mitch Hedberg

Brimleys Cat Is Also A Grouch!!

"It's the right thing to do and a good way to do it. Now DO IT!!"

Are All Liberals Required to Drive Subaru's?

Throughout our modern American popular culture we are inundated with cliche's. In a desperate effort to be "different" or "unique" many youth get funny haircuts or pierce something that will attract attention which, sadly, is in textbook compliance with the fashion of the day thereby actually succumbing to the very "norm" they had hoped to subvert. I myself fell victim to this mirage of "rebellion" as a lad. This tradition has been handed down from generation to generation and is commonly understood by most.
Unfortunately many adults find themselves bound by the same social expectations. Never was there a better example than the cliche of being a Subaru Outback owner. Apparently there is an unwritten, but widely accepted law that if you are liberal you are obligated to display your loyalty by driving one of these vehicles. Especially with a 'Thule' or 'Yakima' cargo case on top. It is one's way of saying to the world, "Hey, buddy! I am a vegetarian who loves dogs and the outdoors. I am NOT homophobic and am open to suggestions. We must stop using fossil fuels!!..Oh crap, I'm almost out of gas. And, um, oh yeah, I don't like George Bush."
Next, we find our polar fleece Patagonia-vested liberal friend filling up his Subaru with fossil fuel at the Huge Corporate Gas Station while he refills his $30 Eddie Bauer stainless steel coffee mug inside with Starbucks coffee which is picked by oppressed foreigners for pennies a day. And so the activist movement continues.
Please, correct me if you find this to be an exaggerated scenario. But honestly, how many Subaru Outback owners do you think actually voted McCain in '08?
Subaru...It's the new Volkswagen!

Trivia Question #1

Which kind of ketchup is the fancier ketchup?
1.) Hunts Fancy Ketchup
2.) Heintz Extra Fancy Ketchup

Answer:
2.) Heintz Extra Fancy Ketchup

Recent Studies Show Sexual Intercourse Number One Cause of Pregnancy

A recent study by researchers at the University of Buckley in Boston released its findings today with some surprising results. The panel of clinicians and doctors formally announced its 212 page report conclusive - The number One cause of pregnancy in America in 2009 - sexual intercourse.
The announcement came early this morning in a press release, nearly two months earlier than its scheduled quarterly report. When asked why the sudden conclusion Dr. Ezra Heintz of Buckley told us, "The evidence was simply too overwhelming to ignore. After just six weeks the lab results were consistent in nearly every case study. The pattern began emerging and the conclusive results could not be disputed. It's now a verified scientific fact. Once we had the results in front of us there was really no need to investigate any further."
Physicians analyzed data from over 2000 individual studies of genome sequencing and DNA testing. "Each time," said the board of gynecology at U.B. "the cause of the pregnancy was consistently traced back to the same singular event."
Researchers say that couples who engaged in sexual intercourse were as much as 100% more likely to become pregnant than those known to have been completely abstinent. Telling numbers indeed.
Doctors say that sexual intercourse could be responsible for at least half of all the pregnancies throughout the United States in the last few decades. "It now seems more likely than not", said one of the panelists. The cause next likely to result in pregnancy was found to be artificial insemination.
"At this point, anything seems possible and we're not ruling anything out...but intercourse now seems to be the main culprit," stated Dr. Heintz. When asked which of the two sexes were more responsible for the actual conception Dr. Heintz told us "we're not exactly sure how the female subjects became pregnant, but at this point it seems evident that the egg played no small roll and therefore, I would have to say that it is likely to be the female who is most responsible for conception." A statement, some say, likely to be used as evidence in countless "Deadbeat Dad" cases across the nation.
The independent study was funded by the Food and Drug Administration and by Federal Grants with monies allocated from the tax-payers at large. The findings came in just under the allotted budget of $3.5 million.
2010 Babbleon News

Boring Actors You Don't Want At Your Party Because They're Too Boring

Dick Van Patten - Let's kick things off by introducing the terminally dosile Mr. Dick Van Patten. Dicks no-frills approach to acting lent itself well to his role as the paralyzingly boring Tom Bradford from 'Eight is Enough'. This show was an all-out snoozefest which could most aptly be compared to a cup of warm milk. Dick would no doubt be the target of the guy who had too much to drink at the party.


Karen Grassle - Not even the bonnet kept anyone interested in Karen's character Ma Ingalls on the show 'Boring House on the Prarie'. Her monotone dialogue was as drab as her pioneer skirts. At your party you'd be sure to find Karen timidly nibbling a rice cake off somewhere by herself. Incidentally, the most boring kind of landscape: a prarie.


Adam Rich - My goodness the 70's were a fertile decade for pointless shows about nothing starring dull people doing lame things. Adam sedated audiences weekly as Nicholas Bradford on 'Eight is Enough'. I bet his favorite toy was a whittled wooden horse.



Bonnie Franklin - Carrying the bowl haircut torch through the 70's, Bonnie was Dull incarnate as Ann Romano in T.V.'s 'One Day at a Time'. Seen here displaying her signiture vacant-eyed expression that was as emotionless as it was memorable. Now, what were we talking about?



And finally, the haircut lands on the robot. Gil Gerard AND Twiggy jockey for the more boring role. It's boredom in galactic proportions as Gils performance as Buck Rogers, one of the most lackluster heroes of all time, is executed with tedious blandness. His adorable sidekick, Twiggy, was niether adorable nor entertaining. "Biddy biddy boring!"




Edward James Olmos - Would most likely talk with your guests all night about obscure 19th century Latino nonfiction writers.



Fred Ward - Remember Remo Williams? Yeah, neither do I.




Bill Pullman - I used to confuse this guy with Bill Paxton. How could you ever describe his face to a police sketch artist?







Bill Paxton - I think this guy sold me a pair of shoes once.

Larry Wilcox - (so boring he gets a black and white photo) Of 'CHiPs Patrol' fame. One of the few actors in history actually capable of making motorcycles boring. It's guys like Wilcox that gave white people their reputation for being lame. At your party, you would find Larry sleeping on the sofa. Not because he drank too much, just because he was tired.



Kevin Tighe - Played Roy DeSoto in one of the most boring television programs of all time - 'Emergency'. I remember watching him a few times as a child and it seemed that none of the other kids wanted to play with me after that. He'd be the one to pick a fight at your party. Probably with Van Patten. Which I guess isn't all that boring after all.




Randolph Mantooth - Also from the show 'Emergency', Randolph took mediocre acting to a boring new level as the bland EMT Johnny Gage. Cool name, though - Mantooth. It's my guess that he's now the most handsome accountant in his office.






Ralph Fiennes - Boring and pretentious and starring exclusively in "intellectual" movies. You know, the ones that you stop after about 5 minutes and change the channel to watch the 'Sham-Wow' infomercial instead. Ralph would cordially excuse himself from the party and retire to the study.


John Malkovich - While I understand that John is considered a great actor by some, I have to say that he's mind-numbingly dull to me. John is Ralph Fiennes' #1 competitor for the lead part in those intellectual movies. He would most likely talk opera to the other party goers and eat the yucky hors d'ouvres that nobody else wanted...like melba toast.







Wilford Brimley - Would spend all evening on the can.




Now if you'll excuse me, I need to lie down and stare at a wall for a few hours.

Tech Corner

Last time, on Tech Corner, we explored the exciting new technology of solar power. We learned how the solar panel works and many wonderful applications that are capitalizing on our galaxies greatest source of harmless energy...the sun. Let's briefly recap: The sun emits powerful lunar rays which shine down on the earth and give us what we call "sunshine". This power is harnessed through solar panels and turned into useful electricity which we all benefit from.
Today we're going to examine exactly how these powerful lunar rays are utilized to power, you guessed it...tanning beds.
The tanning bed was invented in 1984 by a Bavarian scientist named Josef Tanning after receiving a nasty sunburn while on holiday in Spain. Dr. Tanning was struck with the inspiration of harnessing the sunshine and directing it into a sort of "bed" wherein one could lay and expose oneself to a metered, controlled amount of sunshine. He called his invention 'The Tanning Bed'.
Today we see tanning beds all over, so much so that we may take them for granted. But have you ever stopped to think about just how much exposure to dangerous, man-made electricity your skin has endured in conventional beds? This harmful synthetic electricity has been documented to cause such cancers as skin cancer, dermatitis and blisters.
Thanks to the solar panel and the harmless lunar rays it utilizes, science is conquering skin cancer one bed at a time. Here's how the solar-powered tanning bed works:
1.) Lunar rays are captured by the solar panels with special ray-catching machinery.
2.) The sunshine is then transferred into the tanning bed via special energy transferring methods.
3.) Sunshine is emitted inside the tanning bed for a smooth, even tan that will have your friends craving Pina Coladas and taking pictures!
So you see, unlike superstitious primitive sun-worshipping cultures around the world, we have nothing to fear from the sun these days but, perhaps, overexposure to awesomeness and, perhaps, just a touch too much sexy!
Thanks Dr. Tanning, and thank you to all of the solar scientists who make life better and safer.
Remember, the more you understand, the smarter you are!

Tech Corner

Welcome to the second installment of Tech Corner - your one-stop, all-inclusive spot for all things technical. Having trouble understanding technology? Don't worry, you're not alone. Millions are baffled by the incessant wave of "new and improved" gadgets every day. Tech Corner is here to help you make sense of it all.
Today we're going to take an in-depth look at an exploding technology that is helping people do their part to help prevent global warming while saving a few bucks along the way. I'm talking about solar energy.
When we look at what's going on with our ecology and our environment these days it doesn't take a scientist to see that we're going desperately wrong. Our dependency on fossil fuels has become our undoing. Luckily technology is there to save the day, like a gigantic American Eagle swooping down on a dying victim and snatching him up in his huge talons of freedom and placing him safely in his comfy nest of democracy. The latest advancements in solar technology promise a wonderful, renewable, sustainable alternative energy source upon which to rely...the sun!
Primitive peoples such as the Incas and the Mayans knew about the sun centuries before we did. They harnessed the suns energy for everything from growing crops to heating their cooking water, bath water and for laying around and soaking in a few rays. Early solar panels made of palm fronds and rocks have been unearthed by archaeologists in South America which proves that the technology isn't new, but has been around for hundreds of years.
While today's solar panels are made out of more advanced materials than rocks and leaves, the principle is still the same. Let's take a closer look at the hows and the whys of it all:
1.) The suns rays are filled with electricity which beams down upon the earth 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, come rain or shine.
2.) Solar panels made out of special "sun electricity-catching" material act as giant funnels which capture the electricity and drain it down special hoses which are attached to electrical outlets and what-not.
3.) The actual sunlight is captured in other special hoses which are attached to light fixtures. The sunlight travels through the hoses and is dropped into the light bulbs at the other end, and voila!! You have light inside the building.
When you break it down step by step, it's not hard to see how this advanced, yet amazingly simple technology is helping to save the world one ray at a time.
Keep checking in for the latest edition of Tech Corner - Next time we'll be focusing on the solar powered tanning beds that are soon to be all the rage.
Thank you for joining me, and remember; the more you understand, the smarter you are!

Representin' Amerika n Stuff

Most of us have already seen this, but it may warrant another go just for the sake of shock and awe. While it is NOT my intention to be mean-spirited or to laugh at anothers expense, I cannot resist the sheer spectacle. Honestly...where are we at, as a civilization? How far are we willing to degrade ourselves and one another? Is this a social barometer? What does our future hold? We must, betimes, gaze at the heavens and wonder.

Tech Corner

Welcome to the first installment of Tech Corner, where I will be periodically highlighting different facets of technology. Here you'll find useful tidbits of information, tips and tricks, and tech advice from a firsthand "computer geek" to make your techworld a simpler place in which to live. In this installment I would like to spotlight the Home Computer. The computer has evolved alot over the years, and now, it seems that many people have their own personal computer right in their homes. This is an exceptionally easy way to perform all of your computations and computer-related tasks from the convenience of home. Where only a few decades ago computers were restricted to top secret branches of the military and the plaything of the superelite and megawealthy, today many people can compute their own equations from home offices, bedrooms, living rooms or dens with a few simple keystrokes. Let's take a closer look at the nuts and bolts of the home computer:
1.) The Rectangle Box - This is the box that holds all of the wires and electricity for the computer (essentially the "brains" of the computer).
2.) The buttons - These are individual buttons which are grouped together and pushed to execute specific commands (executables). Such buttons may include the 'Off' button. The 'On' button. Or the 'L' button.
3.) The T.V. - This is a special TV that you look at to see the different pictures and words the computer wants to show you.
4.) The Wires - These are long, spaghetti-like things that connect one piece of hardware to another. These have electric in them and should not be cut with scissors or pliers.
5.) Other Illuminated Boxes - These are other boxes of various shapes which have lights on them which indicate that the computer is working. Should one of these lights go out, don't panic. Simply unplug the computer from the wall and plug it back in. You might also try tapping the light with something lightweight like a lightweight paperweight or something. Remember - Not all computer lights need to be lit up all the time.
If you find yourself one day with a computer in your very own home, take the time to become familiar with these various pieces of equipment. Experiment. Push different buttons and see what happens. Connect the wires in different arrangements and see what happens. Have fun. Remember - The more you understand, the smarter you are!

Where Have All The Picnics Gone?

I watched a program recently (I can't remember what it was or where I saw it) which has been on my mind lately. In the show there was a man being interviewed and he was talking about how when he was a kid they used to have neighborhood block parties all the time. In the evening, after school and work, entire families could be seen sitting on their porches or stoops and eating in the yards. Children played in the streets and on sidewalks and everybody knew each other. People had close neighborhoods and it was a social environment. (I am reminded that it takes a village to raise a child). Then, shortly after television was introduced to America, he said, the porches, yards and streets were empty. You could drive down the road and see the blue lights of television sets illuminating the living rooms through every ones windows.
Now we have the internet, facebook, myspace, cable TV, satellite, DVR, ipods, cell phones, texting etc. etc. All of these serve as a means of isolation. Our modern culture is one that is relatively solitary. I have friends who prefer to chat via instant messenger than to talk on the phone even. IM provides a certain sort of silent buffer and detachment in the communication.
Where have all the picnics gone? The family dinners? The weekends at the park? Board game nights? How often do you see fathers playing basketball or baseball with their children? Compare this to how often you see fathers scolding their children in Wal Mart (the cultural epicenter in every community now). Perhaps it's time we rethink living virtually and breathe a little air. Take our children outside and play with them. Read a book instead of turning on the television. Cook a meal instead of peeling back the lid on a Swanson chemical entree. Invite friends over for dinner instead of sitting on facebook...
Just a suggestion which I would do well to consider myself. Now please excuse me - I'm going to get off of this computer and go act like a husband and a father for a while!

Absolutely Classic!

Regrets

Bill Pullman

"I'm sorry, am I boring you?"

305,310 Abortions vs. 4,912 Adoption Referrals

"I recently looked at Planned Parenthood's annual report and financial summary - and you wouldn't believe what I saw. In 2007, Planned Parenthood-affiliated "health centers" provided 305,310 abortions - but only 4,912 adoption referrals! It's not hard to figure out where Planned Parenthood's priorities lie. Make no mistake about it - the pro-abortion movement is an aggressive army, and it is on the march across the nation."
Charmaine Yoest, Ph.D.
President & CEO
Americans United for Life

please visit www.aul.org

"Buddha’s Scripture to Lin Ling" (The Parable of the Serpent)

Bird is told by Dog,
“It is a sin to fly”
So he spends out his days tearing off his wings.

Dog is told by Serpent,
“It is a sin to run”
So he spends out his days tearing off his legs.

Serpent is told by Rat,
“It is a sin to slither”
Rat is told by Serpent,
“I know. That’s why I have all of these tiny wheels under my belly.”
And Serpent rides wheelie for Rat.

Geological Summit Concludes ‘Grand Canyon’ Not So “Grand” After All

A group of geologists from around the globe convened in northern Arizona this week to discuss the Grand Canyon. The consensus - “Mediocre at best”. Dr. Phillip Flagship, the director of the meeting said, “We have long suspected that the moniker “Grand” was just a hipshot of early pioneers or perhaps a loosely interpreted publicity stunt, but until now we had no conclusive evidence. You have some of the top geologists from universities around the world as well as a number of irrefutable carbon studies that concur. The sad fact is, it’s really not that great of a canyon. We used our rock hammers and little hand brooms as well as other little rock tools to take samples from everywhere from the canyon rim to the riverbed. We put all of our soil and rocks in petri dishes and examined them with high-powered microscopes and everything. I’m satisfied with the findings.”
When I asked Dr. Anne Goldstein of the L.U.A. her professional opinion of the canyon she just shrugged her shoulders and said, “it’s alright, I guess.”
“If you look at rocks and stuff from a scientific viewpoint you’ll understand that this canyon had literally millions and millions of years of erosion, tectonic shifting and upheavals to form. Viewed through that lens, you’d expect something with a little more pizazz”, said Dr. Goldstein in her concluding remarks.
The report sent shock waves through the National Parks organization who lauded the scientific efforts of the team but officially denied any knowledge of any wrongdoing in the naming of the canyon and formally disagreed with the panel. “We think it’s a fantastic canyon. In fact its one of our best”, exclaimed David Billings of the National Parks Administration. “Nevertheless, we’re working to provide the public with some of the finest canyons, forests and mountains anywhere on earth and we’re committed to that. I think 2010 is going to be a banner year for canyons in general and, most likely, next summer will be the premier of something special we've been working on..” Billings declined to elaborate but the term “Supercanyon” has been heard. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see.

SOLD

Why do real estate companies post SOLD signs over thier FOR SALE signs? If it's sold, why not just take down the FOR SALE sign? That way, less signs...see, you're saving money already!

Mac Davis

And by popular demand, I would be remiss were I to exclude the immortal Mac Davis. Seen here without his shirt and enjoying a glass of chilled Riesling, Mr. Davis' career spanned literally months and months with his defining moment as special guest star on Jim Hensens 'The Muppet Show' wherein he played the heart-throb hunk to a lovesick Miss Piggy. Mac left us with his swan song 'It's hard to be humble' (when you're perfect in every way) to a concurring Piggy and a tearful audience consisting of Muppets and six-year-old children. Mac may have taught us how difficult humility can be, but he gave us so much more than that. Mac taught us how to love. And perhaps more importantly, how to love Mac. (sigh)

Alabama

Be sure to get the wrestling shoes in the picture because, hey guess what, I'm wearing wrestling shoes!

Conway Twitty

Too much is never enough.

Eddie Rabbitt

...Loves a rainy night!

Larry Gatlin

I apologize for the recent fixation with "golden age" country pop stars, but there's nothing that makes my skin crawl more...it's akin to craning ones neck while passing by a car wreck in some bizzarre subliminal hopes of catching a glimpse of something aweful. Perhaps it's the sheer spectacle of it all. The audacious, devil-may-care abandon. The tableau, if you will. We find the same circumstance with the entire pop culture collective at any given point in time, but there is just something uniquely hideous about THESE people at THIS time that seems to make me recoil with shame at being of the same species.
Take, for example, Mr. Larry Gatlin here - The knowing, come-hither gaze. The fingers confidently fixed in the classic psychiatrists bundle that seems to say, "I'm listening". Maybe it's the waist-hugging shirt or the dainty ladies bracelets. Or maybe its the medallion nested in the soft bed of chest hair which, no doubt, is fragranced with Stetson.
Couple all of this with the poetic lyrics-
"I don't wanna cry this early this morning
But cry I will if you go through with leaving me alone
I don't wanna cry this early this morning
So lay back down and love me and leave the leaving to later on" - and you've got a recipe for some of the worst culture the human race has ever chosen to adore.

The Oak Ridge Boys

The current lineup includes (from left to right) Duane Allen - a lovable long-haul truck driver turned country superstar after a successful audition for Chuck Barris‘ Gong Show. Also rumored to have been the first in show business to have launched the “acid wash” phenomena of 1985. Gandalf the Grey - a bawdy baritone with a penchant for fashion. Seen here sporting a full-length, reversible beaver pelt parka with a crushed velour lining - perfect for cuddling by a fireside with a bottle of port after a long day on the slopes…accommodates two!! Joe Bonsall, John Oats’ (of Hall and Oats fame) slightly sexier half brother who, according to Guinness as of 2003, holds the worlds record for the longest left-half of a mustache. Joe and his husband Garrett currently live in Reseda California with they run a line of military surplus outlets. And finally Richard Sterban - an overnight sensation who took the country by storm with his supporting work as the bass singer for Tanya Tucker. Featured on such memorable MCA favorites as “Here’s Some Love", and "It's a Cowboy-Lovin Night"…Oooom boppa mow mow!
The Oak Ridge Boys have also made a considerable contribution to Broadway with their irreverent interpretation of 'Reconsidering Sandy', a show that first garnered the attention of critics in Alto singer Duane Allens hometown of Flagstaff Arizona and was soon setting stages ablaze from Jonesboro Arkansas to Muncie Indiana. Broadway wig master and talent scout Buzz Shepherd saw 'Sandy' in a whirlwind Akron premier and said, "Where did they get those wigs?...I've died and gone to heaven!" The show was lauded the best of its kind east of the Rockies and west of the Smokeys and was carried to Broadway where it blossomed into the mega hit of the late 80's.
What's next for the lads? Richard Sterban says, "We're just gonna keep riding this wave as long as we can. I mean, whatever keeps the creative juices flowing, ya know?" - We sure do Richard, we sure do!

dying garden

Sparrow in November sun
sunflower skeleton wizened
and wicket garden gate
a brittle, gray ribcage around
the loam and ground
yellowing leafbed to keep
warm the earth
where nesting seedlings cuddle
beneath watchful eye -
scarecrow
and November sparrow.

High grass tufts
tickling thickets
crickets and locusts silent and still
in pale November chill.
these hem the edges
of my dying garden.
piles of apples, soft and brown
pumpkins puddling into ground
to be tilled
with cabbage paddles
and viney squash tentacles
dill stalks
and whispering corn canes.
the sparrows of November
and a breathing sky
the keepers watch my garden die.

Midwinters deep
is soon to slip
down from foothills
with morning crisp frost
and hard, icey nights and stars
and snows will
still and silence
what was November

And I
am to remember
that gardens die.

THE REVOLUTION a manifesto by Ron Paul

I'm currently reading 'The Revolution' by Libertarian Ron Paul. I am still learning about the Libertarian platform, but I believe I may have found my political home. Ron Pauls book is incredible!! So far he's spot on with his estimations and ideas. It is so relieving to find that there are alot of people out there that feel the same way I do - we don't fit in either major political party. No matter what your political inclination, this book is extremely insightful, informative and educational.
I've read a good portion of Noam Chomsky's work and there's no doubt he's quite a brain, but my contention is that in order to educate and inspire change you must speak a language that people can understand. I find that I often have to re-read lines of Chomsky and/or must already have a pretty good understanding of what he's talking about in order to follow him. Congressman Paul, on the other hand, speaks in a way that is very direct and comprehensive. I highly highly highly recommend this book to everyone! (my opinion is subject to change upon completion of the book)

Editorial Reviews
From Publishers Weekly
"Congressman, Republican Presidential candidate and author Paul (A Foreign Policy of Freedom) says "Let the revolution begin" with this libertarian plea for a return to "the principles of our Founding Fathers: liberty, self-government, the Constitution, and a noninterventionist foreign policy." Specific examples demonstrate how far U.S. law has strayed from this path, particularly over the past century, as well as Paul's firm grasp of history and dedication to meaningful debate: "it is revolutionary to ask whether we need troops in 130 countries... whether the accumulation of more and more power in Washington has been good for us...to ask fundamental questions about privacy, police-state measures, taxation, social policy." Though he can rant, Paul is informative and impassioned, giving readers of any political bent food for thought. With harsh words for both Democrats and Republicans, and especially George W. Bush, Paul's no-nonsense text questions the "imperialist" foreign policy that's led to the war in Iraq ("one of the most ill considered, poorly planned, and... unnecessary military conflicts in American history"), the economic situation and rampant federalism treading on states' rights and identities ("The Founding Fathers did not intend for every American neighborhood to be exactly the same"). Though his policy suggestions can seem extreme, Paul's book gives new life to old debates."
Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved.

Supermarket Moonwalking

There was this really attractive woman I saw at the grocery store right when I was putting some beer into my shopping cart.

Talk about embarrassing!

I had to say something so she didn't get the wrong idea, so I said "Excuse me, mam, this isn't what it looks like. I'm not drunk right now, i'm just getting this for a friend who is too sick to get it for himself."

To prove my point, I walked twenty steps, heel to toe, counting out loud. Then I moonwalked back to where I had started. I figured this was definately not something you could do if you were drunk.

But the woman had apparently left.

The moral of this story is that I actually was drunk.
--Al Cracker

Deep Inventions

A good invention would be the 'Overnight Calculator'. All you would do would be to enter your equation, just like a normal calculator, and then, simply forget about it and go to bed. The next morning, when you check the 'Overnight Calculator', your answer will appear on the display. The math was done while you slept.
--barquedust

Song Idea

here's an idea for a song; its about a robot that doesn't know he's not a human. he falls in love with another robot but tells her that he can't be with her because they're too different. and there's a snappy little reggae beat. and at the very end, a little more reggae.
--barquedust

Carbun Footprints

the coral reefs are dying at a tremendous rate. if they die, i feel like a little part of me will die too. but i suspect it'll be a part i can live without or was going to have removed anyway, so i guess no harm done. by the way, is it 'reefs' or 'reeves'?
--barquedust

Horn Player Wanted

horn section of rock band seeks horn player for horn position. must be able to play horns with drums and rock-style drums. horn playing a must with a background in horns, horn playing and rock. will have horn parts to learn, so familiarity with the horn is a must. experience with drum parts are desirable but will teach the right candidate. also any drumming skills a plus. must have a carrying case for your horn and be able to tune your horn to rock drums. should be able to play rock-n-roll with the horn and must work well with other horn players. regular horns are preferred, but will consider less normal horns depending on your ability. please bring your horn, carrying case and any horn related supplies to audition. thank you.
--barquedust

Deep Inventions

the one-way monocle. you could see out, but nobody could see in. this way, nobody could tell where you were looking but you'd still be able to maintain the appearance of a rich baron.
--barquedust

Props to my Peeps

i was about to buy some planters deluxe whole cashews at the store the other day when i realized i was a little slim in the wallet. so i looked for the planters regular whole cashews but i couldn't find them. i thought, "hmm. that's funny. you'd think they would have a cheaper version than the 'deluxe' ones." then it dawned on me - planters probably did away with all of the regular cashews and just brought the price down on the deluxe ones. i see heinz got on board with their 'extra fancy ketchup' too. i just want to say thanks to them for delivering the higher end products to us joe everydays at a price we can afford.
--barquedust