Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Hilarious At First - But Then Very Sad For Humanity At Large



In terms of evolution, this is a convincing argument against bipedalism. I can't help but wonder just how much more alcohol the human being could consume should he have evolved a third leg. One could then set oneself tripod-like - safely prepared for the consumption of deadly amounts of booze.
I've never seen intoxication to this extent before. In my experience, people this drunk usually go down and stay down. Again, I laugh at the sheer spectacle of it all, but then it breaks my heart to see examples of lives going wrong like this. As a former alcoholic, I know firsthand that there's much more involved than just stumbling around doing crazy things. This represents missed opportunities, lifelong regrets, lifelong humiliation and embarrassment, the pain of family and loved ones who have to watch this happening. Every day spent drunk is a day not spent reading with your child or hiking in the wilderness.
Sorry if I began to wax poetic there, but this hits a little close to home...And yet, morbidly funny.
I'm not sure where I'm going with this - I just couldn't turn it off once it started.
(p.s. - what's with the song?)

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Tech Corner

Hello again! It seems that I can't go a full day anymore without my inbox bursting at the seams with requests for advice and questions. So, in an effort to redouble our efforts here at Tech Corner, we have decided to release back to back articles. We hope this helps.
Okay, let's address a very commonly used, but little understood piece of technological equipment - The Mouse. I'm not talking about a real mouse, but your computer mouse. The mouse got its name because it looks kind of like a real mouse. The body is the plastic part, the tail is the wire, the head is the front part of the plastic part etc.
This little doohickey is how we interface with the world nowadays. This doohickey and the computer buttons. But usually just this. Unless you have to type something. Buttons notwithstanding, lets focus on the mouse.
The mouse itself is made up of several components including:
1.) The plastic case, a ball and a wire.
The case holds the ball and one end of the wire, while the ball does all the rolling. Whatever the ball rolls over is transmitted through the wire to the computer. Modern mouses (or mice) also have some buttons on them which can be depressed with a fingertip, or if you have no fingers for some reason, your thumbtip - either way, the result is the same. By pushing the buttons different things will happen. You just need to spend a little time playing around with it. Roll left, right, up or down. Press the buttons with your finger (or thumb) and see what happens. When something happens, remember what it is and write it down on a piece of paper so that in the future you will be able to refer to your notes. This will ensure a consistent method of learning and memorizing the functions of your mouse.
Don't be afraid...take it for a spin. Technology is here to help us, and I am here to help you!
Thanks for reading and keep those requests coming - Remember, the more you understand, the smarter you are!

Tech Corner

Upon receiving such a massive onslaught of demand for more Tech corner (actual amount - 0), we return with the highly anticipated fourth installment. Many apologies for the hiatus but our entire staff (me) has been caught up in the fight for truth, justice, liberty and the American way. Which fight also includes plenty of rest and casual dining...Dining for justice!!
Anyhow - here we are. As February ebbs and we prepare for the rites of Spring our thoughts turn to natures gift of renewal. Nature has its own way of natural process and one way we, as humans, honor that natural method is by synthesising it and then relying upon it to provide us with the life-sustaining necessities and the quality of living that only simulated nature can provide.
Such is the case with the incubator. Where once mothers womb was the only bastion of repose for all critters growing, nature has provided mankind with an all-natural 120 volt alternative.
The incubator was invented in the early 1950's as a way to keep things warm and growing under strictly supervised conditions. Some of the early uses for the incubator was the chicken egg. Eggs were being laid by hens and then sat upon for weeks and weeks before hatching. The incubator sped up the process by virtually eliminating the hen and hatching the egg in a fraction of the time. The early settings on the incubators required fine-tuning as the hatchlings would often emerge over easy. But today, thanks to modern science, we have incubators that operate with ease and precision.
Here's how it works:
1.) The incubator is plugged in to a power source.
2.) The 'Power' button is activated by a method of either toggling or depression (some variations of this can be found in other means of mechanical engagement).
3.) Power surges forth into the actual incubating chamber.
4.) The desired incubatee is placed in said chamber where it receives steady, metered doses of incubation until, at just the right moment, the incubation is complete.
5.) Out comes planet Earth's newest addition - a baby chicken. Or duck, goose, tomato, or whatever you incubated.
Soon enough, it is predicted, nature will accommodate mankind to such an extent as to render mothers altogether unnecessary. Thanks, Mother Nature!
Well, thanks for all your support and patronage to Tech Corner (actual patronage amount - 0), and we (I) look forward to seeing you all (nobody) again soon.
Remember, the more you understand, the smarter you are!

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Harold Manbach Attends Nascar

Racing enthusiast, Harold Manbach keeps one eye on his Bud Light and the other intensely fixed on the hypnotic dance that is Nascar. Harold has observed the beloved tradition of Nascar since he was a child. "Nascar is more than just a sport - It's a way of life," he told us as his favored #24 car makes its 890th lap. "I grew up here at the track. I never get tired of it. I could just watch them cars go round an round all day and all night. I mean, they're just so fast and loud."
Fast and loud indeed. Not unlike, say a Metallica cover band, which happens to be performing next to the empanada stand near the south entrance of the track. "Metallica rocks!" exclaimed Harold with an enthusiasm rivaling his passion for his beloved #24 car and driver. "#24 rocks!" he added.
When we asked Harold what it was, exactly, that he found so intoxicating about the sport he told us, "It's just awesome how they go so fast. Plus the the cars look so cool. Some say 'Skoal' on the side, some say 'Budweiser' and my favorite one says 'Marlboro' right on the hood for the blimp and the whole world to see...that's ole #24!!! Wooooohoooooo!!!"

Harold, age 6, was "raised on Lynyrd Skynyrd and Nascar and was born with a Bud in his bottle".

The Power Button

Just curious - Who decided that this was going to be the new, universal symbol for "Power"? At some point, all power buttons began to have this odd symbol and it seems that the entire globe just intrinsically knew what it meant. I didn't get the memo and it took me years to figure out that it meant "Power". But what IS the symbol? It doesn't look like "Power". I mean, a handicap symbol is a person in a wheel chair - makes sense. A stop sign has the symbol "STOP" on it which really really makes sense. But what is the semi circle broken by a vertical dash? How did we arrive at that? Which committee reviewed all of the proposed symbols and decided that this symbol was the least confusing and best fit for the job?

Monday, February 15, 2010

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Ken Lee - Tulibu Dibu Douchoo!



It's no wonder the world is falling down around our ears and we don't know it...We are mesmerized by such incredible spectacles as this. All I can tell you is, tulibu dibu douchoo. I mean it. Dibu Douchoo. And that's my final answer.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Carpe Diem!

Here's To Ya, Walmart Pajama People!



















Go ahead, let the world know you've given up. It's okay to wear your Dale Earnhardt pajama bottoms to Walmart...and then to bed, and then to lay around the house all day, and then to bed again, and then back to Walmart. After all, you're not trying to impress anyone.

Here's To Ya, White Trash Window Blanket!



















Nothing says, "Not now...I'm doing drugs" quite like a White Trash Window Blanket. From The Confederate Flag to Ozzy Osbourne. From The New York Jets to A Skull With A Snake Wrapped Around It. The White Trash Window Blanket offers the privacy you need to cook meth while maintaining that midnight ambiance throughout mid day. Plus, it's a darn good way to display your colors. Here's to ya!