Thursday, January 21, 2010

Brimleys Cat Is Also A Grouch!!

"It's the right thing to do and a good way to do it. Now DO IT!!"

Are All Liberals Required to Drive Subaru's?

Throughout our modern American popular culture we are inundated with cliche's. In a desperate effort to be "different" or "unique" many youth get funny haircuts or pierce something that will attract attention which, sadly, is in textbook compliance with the fashion of the day thereby actually succumbing to the very "norm" they had hoped to subvert. I myself fell victim to this mirage of "rebellion" as a lad. This tradition has been handed down from generation to generation and is commonly understood by most.
Unfortunately many adults find themselves bound by the same social expectations. Never was there a better example than the cliche of being a Subaru Outback owner. Apparently there is an unwritten, but widely accepted law that if you are liberal you are obligated to display your loyalty by driving one of these vehicles. Especially with a 'Thule' or 'Yakima' cargo case on top. It is one's way of saying to the world, "Hey, buddy! I am a vegetarian who loves dogs and the outdoors. I am NOT homophobic and am open to suggestions. We must stop using fossil fuels!!..Oh crap, I'm almost out of gas. And, um, oh yeah, I don't like George Bush."
Next, we find our polar fleece Patagonia-vested liberal friend filling up his Subaru with fossil fuel at the Huge Corporate Gas Station while he refills his $30 Eddie Bauer stainless steel coffee mug inside with Starbucks coffee which is picked by oppressed foreigners for pennies a day. And so the activist movement continues.
Please, correct me if you find this to be an exaggerated scenario. But honestly, how many Subaru Outback owners do you think actually voted McCain in '08?
Subaru...It's the new Volkswagen!

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Trivia Question #1

Which kind of ketchup is the fancier ketchup?
1.) Hunts Fancy Ketchup
2.) Heintz Extra Fancy Ketchup

2.) Heintz Extra Fancy Ketchup

Recent Studies Show Sexual Intercourse Number One Cause of Pregnancy

A recent study by researchers at the University of Buckley in Boston released its findings today with some surprising results. The panel of clinicians and doctors formally announced its 212 page report conclusive - The number One cause of pregnancy in America in 2009 - sexual intercourse.
The announcement came early this morning in a press release, nearly two months earlier than its scheduled quarterly report. When asked why the sudden conclusion Dr. Ezra Heintz of Buckley told us, "The evidence was simply too overwhelming to ignore. After just six weeks the lab results were consistent in nearly every case study. The pattern began emerging and the conclusive results could not be disputed. It's now a verified scientific fact. Once we had the results in front of us there was really no need to investigate any further."
Physicians analyzed data from over 2000 individual studies of genome sequencing and DNA testing. "Each time," said the board of gynecology at U.B. "the cause of the pregnancy was consistently traced back to the same singular event."
Researchers say that couples who engaged in sexual intercourse were as much as 100% more likely to become pregnant than those known to have been completely abstinent. Telling numbers indeed.
Doctors say that sexual intercourse could be responsible for at least half of all the pregnancies throughout the United States in the last few decades. "It now seems more likely than not", said one of the panelists. The cause next likely to result in pregnancy was found to be artificial insemination.
"At this point, anything seems possible and we're not ruling anything out...but intercourse now seems to be the main culprit," stated Dr. Heintz. When asked which of the two sexes were more responsible for the actual conception Dr. Heintz told us "we're not exactly sure how the female subjects became pregnant, but at this point it seems evident that the egg played no small roll and therefore, I would have to say that it is likely to be the female who is most responsible for conception." A statement, some say, likely to be used as evidence in countless "Deadbeat Dad" cases across the nation.
The independent study was funded by the Food and Drug Administration and by Federal Grants with monies allocated from the tax-payers at large. The findings came in just under the allotted budget of $3.5 million.
2010 Babbleon News

Friday, January 15, 2010

Boring Actors You Don't Want At Your Party Because They're Too Boring

Dick Van Patten - Let's kick things off by introducing the terminally dosile Mr. Dick Van Patten. Dicks no-frills approach to acting lent itself well to his role as the paralyzingly boring Tom Bradford from 'Eight is Enough'. This show was an all-out snoozefest which could most aptly be compared to a cup of warm milk. Dick would no doubt be the target of the guy who had too much to drink at the party.

Karen Grassle - Not even the bonnet kept anyone interested in Karen's character Ma Ingalls on the show 'Boring House on the Prarie'. Her monotone dialogue was as drab as her pioneer skirts. At your party you'd be sure to find Karen timidly nibbling a rice cake off somewhere by herself. Incidentally, the most boring kind of landscape: a prarie.

Adam Rich - My goodness the 70's were a fertile decade for pointless shows about nothing starring dull people doing lame things. Adam sedated audiences weekly as Nicholas Bradford on 'Eight is Enough'. I bet his favorite toy was a whittled wooden horse.

Bonnie Franklin - Carrying the bowl haircut torch through the 70's, Bonnie was Dull incarnate as Ann Romano in T.V.'s 'One Day at a Time'. Seen here displaying her signiture vacant-eyed expression that was as emotionless as it was memorable. Now, what were we talking about?

And finally, the haircut lands on the robot. Gil Gerard AND Twiggy jockey for the more boring role. It's boredom in galactic proportions as Gils performance as Buck Rogers, one of the most lackluster heroes of all time, is executed with tedious blandness. His adorable sidekick, Twiggy, was niether adorable nor entertaining. "Biddy biddy boring!"

Edward James Olmos - Would most likely talk with your guests all night about obscure 19th century Latino nonfiction writers.

Fred Ward - Remember Remo Williams? Yeah, neither do I.

Bill Pullman - I used to confuse this guy with Bill Paxton. How could you ever describe his face to a police sketch artist?

Bill Paxton - I think this guy sold me a pair of shoes once.

Larry Wilcox - (so boring he gets a black and white photo) Of 'CHiPs Patrol' fame. One of the few actors in history actually capable of making motorcycles boring. It's guys like Wilcox that gave white people their reputation for being lame. At your party, you would find Larry sleeping on the sofa. Not because he drank too much, just because he was tired.

Kevin Tighe - Played Roy DeSoto in one of the most boring television programs of all time - 'Emergency'. I remember watching him a few times as a child and it seemed that none of the other kids wanted to play with me after that. He'd be the one to pick a fight at your party. Probably with Van Patten. Which I guess isn't all that boring after all.

Randolph Mantooth - Also from the show 'Emergency', Randolph took mediocre acting to a boring new level as the bland EMT Johnny Gage. Cool name, though - Mantooth. It's my guess that he's now the most handsome accountant in his office.

Ralph Fiennes - Boring and pretentious and starring exclusively in "intellectual" movies. You know, the ones that you stop after about 5 minutes and change the channel to watch the 'Sham-Wow' infomercial instead. Ralph would cordially excuse himself from the party and retire to the study.

John Malkovich - While I understand that John is considered a great actor by some, I have to say that he's mind-numbingly dull to me. John is Ralph Fiennes' #1 competitor for the lead part in those intellectual movies. He would most likely talk opera to the other party goers and eat the yucky hors d'ouvres that nobody else melba toast.

Wilford Brimley - Would spend all evening on the can.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to lie down and stare at a wall for a few hours.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Tech Corner

Last time, on Tech Corner, we explored the exciting new technology of solar power. We learned how the solar panel works and many wonderful applications that are capitalizing on our galaxies greatest source of harmless energy...the sun. Let's briefly recap: The sun emits powerful lunar rays which shine down on the earth and give us what we call "sunshine". This power is harnessed through solar panels and turned into useful electricity which we all benefit from.
Today we're going to examine exactly how these powerful lunar rays are utilized to power, you guessed it...tanning beds.
The tanning bed was invented in 1984 by a Bavarian scientist named Josef Tanning after receiving a nasty sunburn while on holiday in Spain. Dr. Tanning was struck with the inspiration of harnessing the sunshine and directing it into a sort of "bed" wherein one could lay and expose oneself to a metered, controlled amount of sunshine. He called his invention 'The Tanning Bed'.
Today we see tanning beds all over, so much so that we may take them for granted. But have you ever stopped to think about just how much exposure to dangerous, man-made electricity your skin has endured in conventional beds? This harmful synthetic electricity has been documented to cause such cancers as skin cancer, dermatitis and blisters.
Thanks to the solar panel and the harmless lunar rays it utilizes, science is conquering skin cancer one bed at a time. Here's how the solar-powered tanning bed works:
1.) Lunar rays are captured by the solar panels with special ray-catching machinery.
2.) The sunshine is then transferred into the tanning bed via special energy transferring methods.
3.) Sunshine is emitted inside the tanning bed for a smooth, even tan that will have your friends craving Pina Coladas and taking pictures!
So you see, unlike superstitious primitive sun-worshipping cultures around the world, we have nothing to fear from the sun these days but, perhaps, overexposure to awesomeness and, perhaps, just a touch too much sexy!
Thanks Dr. Tanning, and thank you to all of the solar scientists who make life better and safer.
Remember, the more you understand, the smarter you are!

Monday, January 11, 2010

Tech Corner

Welcome to the second installment of Tech Corner - your one-stop, all-inclusive spot for all things technical. Having trouble understanding technology? Don't worry, you're not alone. Millions are baffled by the incessant wave of "new and improved" gadgets every day. Tech Corner is here to help you make sense of it all.
Today we're going to take an in-depth look at an exploding technology that is helping people do their part to help prevent global warming while saving a few bucks along the way. I'm talking about solar energy.
When we look at what's going on with our ecology and our environment these days it doesn't take a scientist to see that we're going desperately wrong. Our dependency on fossil fuels has become our undoing. Luckily technology is there to save the day, like a gigantic American Eagle swooping down on a dying victim and snatching him up in his huge talons of freedom and placing him safely in his comfy nest of democracy. The latest advancements in solar technology promise a wonderful, renewable, sustainable alternative energy source upon which to rely...the sun!
Primitive peoples such as the Incas and the Mayans knew about the sun centuries before we did. They harnessed the suns energy for everything from growing crops to heating their cooking water, bath water and for laying around and soaking in a few rays. Early solar panels made of palm fronds and rocks have been unearthed by archaeologists in South America which proves that the technology isn't new, but has been around for hundreds of years.
While today's solar panels are made out of more advanced materials than rocks and leaves, the principle is still the same. Let's take a closer look at the hows and the whys of it all:
1.) The suns rays are filled with electricity which beams down upon the earth 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, come rain or shine.
2.) Solar panels made out of special "sun electricity-catching" material act as giant funnels which capture the electricity and drain it down special hoses which are attached to electrical outlets and what-not.
3.) The actual sunlight is captured in other special hoses which are attached to light fixtures. The sunlight travels through the hoses and is dropped into the light bulbs at the other end, and voila!! You have light inside the building.
When you break it down step by step, it's not hard to see how this advanced, yet amazingly simple technology is helping to save the world one ray at a time.
Keep checking in for the latest edition of Tech Corner - Next time we'll be focusing on the solar powered tanning beds that are soon to be all the rage.
Thank you for joining me, and remember; the more you understand, the smarter you are!

Saturday, January 9, 2010

Representin' Amerika n Stuff

Most of us have already seen this, but it may warrant another go just for the sake of shock and awe. While it is NOT my intention to be mean-spirited or to laugh at anothers expense, I cannot resist the sheer spectacle. Honestly...where are we at, as a civilization? How far are we willing to degrade ourselves and one another? Is this a social barometer? What does our future hold? We must, betimes, gaze at the heavens and wonder.

Tech Corner

Welcome to the first installment of Tech Corner, where I will be periodically highlighting different facets of technology. Here you'll find useful tidbits of information, tips and tricks, and tech advice from a firsthand "computer geek" to make your techworld a simpler place in which to live. In this installment I would like to spotlight the Home Computer. The computer has evolved alot over the years, and now, it seems that many people have their own personal computer right in their homes. This is an exceptionally easy way to perform all of your computations and computer-related tasks from the convenience of home. Where only a few decades ago computers were restricted to top secret branches of the military and the plaything of the superelite and megawealthy, today many people can compute their own equations from home offices, bedrooms, living rooms or dens with a few simple keystrokes. Let's take a closer look at the nuts and bolts of the home computer:
1.) The Rectangle Box - This is the box that holds all of the wires and electricity for the computer (essentially the "brains" of the computer).
2.) The buttons - These are individual buttons which are grouped together and pushed to execute specific commands (executables). Such buttons may include the 'Off' button. The 'On' button. Or the 'L' button.
3.) The T.V. - This is a special TV that you look at to see the different pictures and words the computer wants to show you.
4.) The Wires - These are long, spaghetti-like things that connect one piece of hardware to another. These have electric in them and should not be cut with scissors or pliers.
5.) Other Illuminated Boxes - These are other boxes of various shapes which have lights on them which indicate that the computer is working. Should one of these lights go out, don't panic. Simply unplug the computer from the wall and plug it back in. You might also try tapping the light with something lightweight like a lightweight paperweight or something. Remember - Not all computer lights need to be lit up all the time.
If you find yourself one day with a computer in your very own home, take the time to become familiar with these various pieces of equipment. Experiment. Push different buttons and see what happens. Connect the wires in different arrangements and see what happens. Have fun. Remember - The more you understand, the smarter you are!

Where Have All The Picnics Gone?

I watched a program recently (I can't remember what it was or where I saw it) which has been on my mind lately. In the show there was a man being interviewed and he was talking about how when he was a kid they used to have neighborhood block parties all the time. In the evening, after school and work, entire families could be seen sitting on their porches or stoops and eating in the yards. Children played in the streets and on sidewalks and everybody knew each other. People had close neighborhoods and it was a social environment. (I am reminded that it takes a village to raise a child). Then, shortly after television was introduced to America, he said, the porches, yards and streets were empty. You could drive down the road and see the blue lights of television sets illuminating the living rooms through every ones windows.
Now we have the internet, facebook, myspace, cable TV, satellite, DVR, ipods, cell phones, texting etc. etc. All of these serve as a means of isolation. Our modern culture is one that is relatively solitary. I have friends who prefer to chat via instant messenger than to talk on the phone even. IM provides a certain sort of silent buffer and detachment in the communication.
Where have all the picnics gone? The family dinners? The weekends at the park? Board game nights? How often do you see fathers playing basketball or baseball with their children? Compare this to how often you see fathers scolding their children in Wal Mart (the cultural epicenter in every community now). Perhaps it's time we rethink living virtually and breathe a little air. Take our children outside and play with them. Read a book instead of turning on the television. Cook a meal instead of peeling back the lid on a Swanson chemical entree. Invite friends over for dinner instead of sitting on facebook...
Just a suggestion which I would do well to consider myself. Now please excuse me - I'm going to get off of this computer and go act like a husband and a father for a while!

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Absolutely Classic!


Bill Pullman

"I'm sorry, am I boring you?"