Wednesday, December 30, 2009

305,310 Abortions vs. 4,912 Adoption Referrals

"I recently looked at Planned Parenthood's annual report and financial summary - and you wouldn't believe what I saw. In 2007, Planned Parenthood-affiliated "health centers" provided 305,310 abortions - but only 4,912 adoption referrals! It's not hard to figure out where Planned Parenthood's priorities lie. Make no mistake about it - the pro-abortion movement is an aggressive army, and it is on the march across the nation."
Charmaine Yoest, Ph.D.
President & CEO
Americans United for Life

please visit

Thursday, December 17, 2009

"Buddha’s Scripture to Lin Ling" (The Parable of the Serpent)

Bird is told by Dog,
“It is a sin to fly”
So he spends out his days tearing off his wings.

Dog is told by Serpent,
“It is a sin to run”
So he spends out his days tearing off his legs.

Serpent is told by Rat,
“It is a sin to slither”
Rat is told by Serpent,
“I know. That’s why I have all of these tiny wheels under my belly.”
And Serpent rides wheelie for Rat.

Geological Summit Concludes ‘Grand Canyon’ Not So “Grand” After All

A group of geologists from around the globe convened in northern Arizona this week to discuss the Grand Canyon. The consensus - “Mediocre at best”. Dr. Phillip Flagship, the director of the meeting said, “We have long suspected that the moniker “Grand” was just a hipshot of early pioneers or perhaps a loosely interpreted publicity stunt, but until now we had no conclusive evidence. You have some of the top geologists from universities around the world as well as a number of irrefutable carbon studies that concur. The sad fact is, it’s really not that great of a canyon. We used our rock hammers and little hand brooms as well as other little rock tools to take samples from everywhere from the canyon rim to the riverbed. We put all of our soil and rocks in petri dishes and examined them with high-powered microscopes and everything. I’m satisfied with the findings.”
When I asked Dr. Anne Goldstein of the L.U.A. her professional opinion of the canyon she just shrugged her shoulders and said, “it’s alright, I guess.”
“If you look at rocks and stuff from a scientific viewpoint you’ll understand that this canyon had literally millions and millions of years of erosion, tectonic shifting and upheavals to form. Viewed through that lens, you’d expect something with a little more pizazz”, said Dr. Goldstein in her concluding remarks.
The report sent shock waves through the National Parks organization who lauded the scientific efforts of the team but officially denied any knowledge of any wrongdoing in the naming of the canyon and formally disagreed with the panel. “We think it’s a fantastic canyon. In fact its one of our best”, exclaimed David Billings of the National Parks Administration. “Nevertheless, we’re working to provide the public with some of the finest canyons, forests and mountains anywhere on earth and we’re committed to that. I think 2010 is going to be a banner year for canyons in general and, most likely, next summer will be the premier of something special we've been working on..” Billings declined to elaborate but the term “Supercanyon” has been heard. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see.

Thursday, December 3, 2009


Why do real estate companies post SOLD signs over thier FOR SALE signs? If it's sold, why not just take down the FOR SALE sign? That way, less signs...see, you're saving money already!

Mac Davis

And by popular demand, I would be remiss were I to exclude the immortal Mac Davis. Seen here without his shirt and enjoying a glass of chilled Riesling, Mr. Davis' career spanned literally months and months with his defining moment as special guest star on Jim Hensens 'The Muppet Show' wherein he played the heart-throb hunk to a lovesick Miss Piggy. Mac left us with his swan song 'It's hard to be humble' (when you're perfect in every way) to a concurring Piggy and a tearful audience consisting of Muppets and six-year-old children. Mac may have taught us how difficult humility can be, but he gave us so much more than that. Mac taught us how to love. And perhaps more importantly, how to love Mac. (sigh)

Monday, November 30, 2009


Be sure to get the wrestling shoes in the picture because, hey guess what, I'm wearing wrestling shoes!

Conway Twitty

Too much is never enough.

Eddie Rabbitt

...Loves a rainy night!

Larry Gatlin

I apologize for the recent fixation with "golden age" country pop stars, but there's nothing that makes my skin crawl's akin to craning ones neck while passing by a car wreck in some bizzarre subliminal hopes of catching a glimpse of something aweful. Perhaps it's the sheer spectacle of it all. The audacious, devil-may-care abandon. The tableau, if you will. We find the same circumstance with the entire pop culture collective at any given point in time, but there is just something uniquely hideous about THESE people at THIS time that seems to make me recoil with shame at being of the same species.
Take, for example, Mr. Larry Gatlin here - The knowing, come-hither gaze. The fingers confidently fixed in the classic psychiatrists bundle that seems to say, "I'm listening". Maybe it's the waist-hugging shirt or the dainty ladies bracelets. Or maybe its the medallion nested in the soft bed of chest hair which, no doubt, is fragranced with Stetson.
Couple all of this with the poetic lyrics-
"I don't wanna cry this early this morning
But cry I will if you go through with leaving me alone
I don't wanna cry this early this morning
So lay back down and love me and leave the leaving to later on" - and you've got a recipe for some of the worst culture the human race has ever chosen to adore.

Saturday, November 28, 2009

The Oak Ridge Boys

The current lineup includes (from left to right) Duane Allen - a lovable long-haul truck driver turned country superstar after a successful audition for Chuck Barris‘ Gong Show. Also rumored to have been the first in show business to have launched the “acid wash” phenomena of 1985. Gandalf the Grey - a bawdy baritone with a penchant for fashion. Seen here sporting a full-length, reversible beaver pelt parka with a crushed velour lining - perfect for cuddling by a fireside with a bottle of port after a long day on the slopes…accommodates two!! Joe Bonsall, John Oats’ (of Hall and Oats fame) slightly sexier half brother who, according to Guinness as of 2003, holds the worlds record for the longest left-half of a mustache. Joe and his husband Garrett currently live in Reseda California with they run a line of military surplus outlets. And finally Richard Sterban - an overnight sensation who took the country by storm with his supporting work as the bass singer for Tanya Tucker. Featured on such memorable MCA favorites as “Here’s Some Love", and "It's a Cowboy-Lovin Night"…Oooom boppa mow mow!
The Oak Ridge Boys have also made a considerable contribution to Broadway with their irreverent interpretation of 'Reconsidering Sandy', a show that first garnered the attention of critics in Alto singer Duane Allens hometown of Flagstaff Arizona and was soon setting stages ablaze from Jonesboro Arkansas to Muncie Indiana. Broadway wig master and talent scout Buzz Shepherd saw 'Sandy' in a whirlwind Akron premier and said, "Where did they get those wigs?...I've died and gone to heaven!" The show was lauded the best of its kind east of the Rockies and west of the Smokeys and was carried to Broadway where it blossomed into the mega hit of the late 80's.
What's next for the lads? Richard Sterban says, "We're just gonna keep riding this wave as long as we can. I mean, whatever keeps the creative juices flowing, ya know?" - We sure do Richard, we sure do!

Thursday, November 26, 2009

dying garden

Sparrow in November sun
sunflower skeleton wizened
and wicket garden gate
a brittle, gray ribcage around
the loam and ground
yellowing leafbed to keep
warm the earth
where nesting seedlings cuddle
beneath watchful eye -
and November sparrow.

High grass tufts
tickling thickets
crickets and locusts silent and still
in pale November chill.
these hem the edges
of my dying garden.
piles of apples, soft and brown
pumpkins puddling into ground
to be tilled
with cabbage paddles
and viney squash tentacles
dill stalks
and whispering corn canes.
the sparrows of November
and a breathing sky
the keepers watch my garden die.

Midwinters deep
is soon to slip
down from foothills
with morning crisp frost
and hard, icey nights and stars
and snows will
still and silence
what was November

And I
am to remember
that gardens die.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

THE REVOLUTION a manifesto by Ron Paul

I'm currently reading 'The Revolution' by Libertarian Ron Paul. I am still learning about the Libertarian platform, but I believe I may have found my political home. Ron Pauls book is incredible!! So far he's spot on with his estimations and ideas. It is so relieving to find that there are alot of people out there that feel the same way I do - we don't fit in either major political party. No matter what your political inclination, this book is extremely insightful, informative and educational.
I've read a good portion of Noam Chomsky's work and there's no doubt he's quite a brain, but my contention is that in order to educate and inspire change you must speak a language that people can understand. I find that I often have to re-read lines of Chomsky and/or must already have a pretty good understanding of what he's talking about in order to follow him. Congressman Paul, on the other hand, speaks in a way that is very direct and comprehensive. I highly highly highly recommend this book to everyone! (my opinion is subject to change upon completion of the book)

Editorial Reviews
From Publishers Weekly
"Congressman, Republican Presidential candidate and author Paul (A Foreign Policy of Freedom) says "Let the revolution begin" with this libertarian plea for a return to "the principles of our Founding Fathers: liberty, self-government, the Constitution, and a noninterventionist foreign policy." Specific examples demonstrate how far U.S. law has strayed from this path, particularly over the past century, as well as Paul's firm grasp of history and dedication to meaningful debate: "it is revolutionary to ask whether we need troops in 130 countries... whether the accumulation of more and more power in Washington has been good for ask fundamental questions about privacy, police-state measures, taxation, social policy." Though he can rant, Paul is informative and impassioned, giving readers of any political bent food for thought. With harsh words for both Democrats and Republicans, and especially George W. Bush, Paul's no-nonsense text questions the "imperialist" foreign policy that's led to the war in Iraq ("one of the most ill considered, poorly planned, and... unnecessary military conflicts in American history"), the economic situation and rampant federalism treading on states' rights and identities ("The Founding Fathers did not intend for every American neighborhood to be exactly the same"). Though his policy suggestions can seem extreme, Paul's book gives new life to old debates."
Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved.

Supermarket Moonwalking

There was this really attractive woman I saw at the grocery store right when I was putting some beer into my shopping cart.

Talk about embarrassing!

I had to say something so she didn't get the wrong idea, so I said "Excuse me, mam, this isn't what it looks like. I'm not drunk right now, i'm just getting this for a friend who is too sick to get it for himself."

To prove my point, I walked twenty steps, heel to toe, counting out loud. Then I moonwalked back to where I had started. I figured this was definately not something you could do if you were drunk.

But the woman had apparently left.

The moral of this story is that I actually was drunk.
--Al Cracker

Deep Inventions

A good invention would be the 'Overnight Calculator'. All you would do would be to enter your equation, just like a normal calculator, and then, simply forget about it and go to bed. The next morning, when you check the 'Overnight Calculator', your answer will appear on the display. The math was done while you slept.

Song Idea

here's an idea for a song; its about a robot that doesn't know he's not a human. he falls in love with another robot but tells her that he can't be with her because they're too different. and there's a snappy little reggae beat. and at the very end, a little more reggae.

Carbun Footprints

the coral reefs are dying at a tremendous rate. if they die, i feel like a little part of me will die too. but i suspect it'll be a part i can live without or was going to have removed anyway, so i guess no harm done. by the way, is it 'reefs' or 'reeves'?

Horn Player Wanted

horn section of rock band seeks horn player for horn position. must be able to play horns with drums and rock-style drums. horn playing a must with a background in horns, horn playing and rock. will have horn parts to learn, so familiarity with the horn is a must. experience with drum parts are desirable but will teach the right candidate. also any drumming skills a plus. must have a carrying case for your horn and be able to tune your horn to rock drums. should be able to play rock-n-roll with the horn and must work well with other horn players. regular horns are preferred, but will consider less normal horns depending on your ability. please bring your horn, carrying case and any horn related supplies to audition. thank you.

Deep Inventions

the one-way monocle. you could see out, but nobody could see in. this way, nobody could tell where you were looking but you'd still be able to maintain the appearance of a rich baron.

Props to my Peeps

i was about to buy some planters deluxe whole cashews at the store the other day when i realized i was a little slim in the wallet. so i looked for the planters regular whole cashews but i couldn't find them. i thought, "hmm. that's funny. you'd think they would have a cheaper version than the 'deluxe' ones." then it dawned on me - planters probably did away with all of the regular cashews and just brought the price down on the deluxe ones. i see heinz got on board with their 'extra fancy ketchup' too. i just want to say thanks to them for delivering the higher end products to us joe everydays at a price we can afford.

Jedi Master

when the teller at wells fargo told me i had a number of overdrafts in my checking account and that there were seven insufficient funds fees i froze from embarrassment. i decided to act like it was somebody else's fault, so i did my best yoda - "disturbing this is. foresee the lack of funds i did not. stolen my money somebody must have." i turned to leave and as i opened the door i said, "find him i must!" i think it bought me at least a couple of days.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Rants - Airtime minute scam

I have a strong suspicion (strong enough that I'd bet a pint of Haagen Dasz) that there is an underhanded scam being perpetrated by our cell phone providers to shave a little more airtime into your calls than is actually necessary. Who hasn't been annoyed by the pre-recorded message that you get when you call someone and get their voice mail? It goes a little something like this..."To page this person, press #. At the tone please record your message. When you are finished recording your message, you may hang up or press 1 for more options. To leave a call-back number press the star key." This little song-and-dance takes about 10 seconds to listen to. If only a million people have to listen to this only once a day, at just $.01 per minute (rates will vary of course), that adds up to $1,666 and some change per day that they make off of us while we sit through this nonsense. And that's just a million people. Do you feel ripped off? Do you feel that you're paying for a valuable service listening to this menu of options every single time?
And another question - Here, in 2009, do we really need to be reminded that we begin our message after the tone, or that when we are done we may hang up? Is there still a large enough body of people out there that don't know what to do that it justifies making us all listen to these instructions?
Just curious...Your thoughts?

Thursday, January 8, 2009

for a while, i must admit, i was a little upset at how many of you were naming your babies after me without asking me first. but i've decided that i'm just going to overlook the past and make it official - from now on, you all have my permission to name your children William if you want. i just think it was inconsiderate.

i was under the impression that eggs were a mildly healthy breakfast choice, but did you know that 1 egg has 70% of your rda of cholesterol? so if you eat 3 eggs at a time, like me, you've just consumed over twice the cholesterol that you're supposed to have for the day. so the bratwurst that you have for lunch (which has triple the daily sodium rda) takes the cholesterol to probably four times your acceptable level and, with the steak you have for dinner, you have just eaten more cholesterol in one day than a healthy diet allows for the whole week. it's really amazing to consider how liberal we've become with "acceptable" foods that are just a part of a normal day. when really, from the perspective of health and necessary nutrition, we really should only be eating tiny amounts of whole grains, fruit and vegetables and that's about it. like 10% of my normal caloric intake. sigh! this leaves little room for such crowd pleasers as almond roca, haagen dasz, pepsi cola and cinnabon. i'm beginning to reconsider their nutritional merits.