Sunday, June 19, 2011

Hey...


...it's interesting that the Mind's Eye and the Real Eye are the same Eye. Can't we just agree to call it an "eye"?
I just thought of that with my skull's brain.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

The Weapon of Indisputable Timekeeping Power


I just saw a 'Seiko' watch ad on the cover of 'The Sportsman's Guide' catalog which I somehow receive in the mail. The watch, priced at $199 (a $200 discount from the regular price) is stated in Bold font to be a "Weapon of indisputable timekeeping power". Can you believe that crap?
First of all, its a Seiko, so let's not get too excited. Secondly, it's not a weapon in any way, shape or form, and associating the word "power" with the watch does not change the fact that its...um...a WATCH. Thirdly, stating "indisputable" is absolutely outrageous. It implies that it has crushed into the dust of the earth all other timekeeping weapons to emerge victoriously at the top of the bonepile.
It's an overpriced crapanese watch - and that's all it is. One could win this "weapon of indisputable timekeeping power" by landing 3 consecutive rings over a bottle at a carnival.
In this digital age in which we live, the meticulous craftsmanship of yesteryear's Swiss movement means little. Especially when I can literally buy a digital watch which keeps accurate time and comes with a 10 year warranty for $9 at Walmart anywhere in the country.
Marketing and advertising agencies/departments are shameless and so pathetically desperate that they will spew any kind of drivel at all in order to swipe that cash from your hand.
Now if you'll excuse me, I need to replace the Twist-O-Flex band on my Magnificent Oracle of Timecraft Opulence (Timex).

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Words That Should Not Exist

1.) Luncheon - Can't we just agree to call it lunch? Honestly!
2.) Holistic - This is just going way too far. At best it should be 'wholistic'. AT BEST!!
3.) Brunch - Just pick one or the other already.

This is a work in progress. These were just the first three that immediately irritated me...Stay tuned.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Thursday, March 17, 2011

"Where do you go when you want to buy name brand spatulas at a fraction of retail cost?!"


This is an absolutely brilliant piece! Created by Weird Al, no less. There are those in the advertising world who legitimately try to pull off crap like this in their advertising...I absolutely loathe them!!! But I digress - I remembered this from when I was a kid and upon watching it again I nearly wet myself. I was wiping tears from the corners of my eyes. Happy giggling!

Sunday, March 13, 2011

I'm Sorry, But I Cannot Hold My Tongue Any Longer

These "exotic" names of newscasters is an outrage and we must demand an immediate halt to airing anybody with any sort of abnormal name.
Unacceptable names include:
1.) Anderson Cooper
2.) Sanjay Gupta
3.) Wolf Blitzer
4.) Shepherd Smith
5.) Soledad O'Brian
6.) Any other yuppie name

Acceptable names:
1.) John Smith
2.) Michael Williams
3.) Steve Johnson
4.) Joe Miller
5.) Bob Tweedwhistle
6.) Any other name that doesn't force me to take notice of how cool thier name is.

Can I get an amen?

Friday, March 11, 2011

The Chins

Originally formed under the name, 'The Chins', the remaining two thirds of 'The Dixie Chicks' re-named themselves 'Courtyard Hounds' after it was decided that their chins already drew enough attention to thier chins and, at this point, to name the band 'The Chins' would just be too much. Too much chin. JUST WAY TOO MUCH CHIN!

Thursday, March 10, 2011

I Just Thought Of THE GREATEST O.B.G.Y.N. NAME EVER!!!!

In the competative forum of the O.B.GYN, you'll need to have an edge. Something that sets you apart from all of the other riff raff O.B.GYN's.
Ladies and gentlemen, meet...

OB-l GYNOBI

Isn't that great?! The name says, "I'm #l in Obstetrics and I'm a Jedi in Gynaecology"!

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Tech Corner - Creating Your Own Calendar

Well, it's been some time since Tech Corner made its latest contribution to the technical universe, but we're excited to be back. And today we'll be talking about creating your own, customized desktop calendar. Okay, some materials you'll need to get started are a ruler, a pen and a sheet of paper - any color you like, but lighter colors are usually better.
Place the paper on a hard, flat surface (a table is ideal, but if a table is not available then some sort of hard, flat surface should work.) Take out your ruler and lay it strait on the paper. Begin by drawing a big square on your paper - Now, remember to utilize the straightness of your ruler. After you have created a square, make anywhere from 28 to 31 smaller squares inside of the big square, remembering that they should be arranged in rows of 7...( * I'll explain later).
* The rows of 7 squares represent weeks, with each individual square corresponding to a day.
Begin to number your squares in sequential order. Be sure to begin with 1, not 0. If you begin with 0 you will have messed up. I recommend, from experience, that you practice on a sheet of scratching paper before you commit with ink to your calendar grid.
By now you should have a pretty comely calendar in your hands...But that's not all. Here's where the real magic show begins. You can go absolutely crazy with decorating your calendar how ever you want. Anything from clipping and pasting magazine pictures, adding glitter or sequins, cotton balls, pipe cleaners, pasta...Just about anything you want!! And, for a splash of color, be sure to color your calendar.
In the past, calendar creation was left to the so-called "professionals", but with technology today, heck...just about any dummy can make a calendar. I did :)
Thanks for checking in, and remember - the more you understand, the smarter you are.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Collegiate Words People Like To Use Only Because It Makes Them Feel Smarter




*WARNING - The following list contains terms and content that may be objectionable to some readers. The language is of an extremely audacious nature and should only be read by bearded, elbow-patches-on-my-corduroy-jacket pontificators who hold PhD's in either the Social Sciences(?) or the Liberal Arts(Huh?)...Consider yourself warned.

1) Adjunct - Attached to another but in a subordinate position. Less than. Kind of important, but not really. For example, you would be adjunct to someone who uses the word "adjunct".
2) Syllabus - An arrogant word for "outline" or "list".
3) Cum Laude - Hey, look at me...I can say something in Greek!
4) Alumni - Greek(Arrogant) for 'Graduate'.
5) Curriculum - GREEK AGAIN!!! A pretentious word for 'classes offered'. You see, it would be remiss for one deemed academically superior to simply say, "Welcome to our college. Here is a list of the classes we offer." The idea is to initially demean and belittle, instilling the desire to apply for a $50,000.00 student loan in order to become educated by the people laying down terms like "curriculum" which you will never EVER be able to repay working at Starbucks.
6) Laureate - Another term for someone who is better than others. The higher education system is replete with terms which enable oneself to condescend.
7) Accolades - KoolAid for intellectuals.
8) Baccalaureate - 'Laureate' and then some!
9) Roster - Yet another pretentious word for 'List'. *see 'Syllabus'. This term is often borrowed by "lesser" educators such as, say, Jr. High School teachers (note that 'Roster' is only two syllables).
10) Prof - Abbreviation for 'Professor', which will quickly become quite beneath you when you run in higher academic circles.
11) Salutatorian - Almost the best. You're better than almost everyone else!
12) Valedictorian - A 'Salutatorian' and a bag of chips;)

Thank you for your patronage. Now, if you'll excuse me, I believe I shall retire to the study.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

I Remember This One...

"The Cordoba...Luxurious in its ride."

Gerry Todd "DooDooDoo"

Youtube won't let me embed this video on my blog, so you'll have to copy and paste it in your URL...It's ever so worth it!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ax8hp3Ivbs8&feature=related

Now THATS Entertainment!

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

The Man. The Myth. The Legend. And Finally, The Hangover and The Regret.

Mr. Davis Jr. gave us many a laugh and tear. This immortal performance was a triumphant tour-de-force, given before an audience of drunken over 60's in some back-alley nightclub somewhere in East Hollywood. The technical choreography and mesmerizing dancing maneuvers were as "maahvelous" as was his vocal prowess. I think I may have just vomited a little in my mouth.

"Thank you, Alec, and we'd like to have you over for dinner real soon."

From Time to Time He's Still Got It

Monday, January 31, 2011

Friday, January 21, 2011

Spooky

Check out this link: http://www.businessinsider.com/pictures-chinese-ghost-cities-2010-12?slop=1

Daniel Tammet - The Boy With The Incredible Brain

The evidence is all around us!

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Worlds Worst Last Name

'LaDouche' - which is french for "the douche"

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Are You Freaking Kidding Me?


Here is vanity at its apex. Oh, and by the way, the lighting on the eyes is truly bewitching.