Saturday, December 25, 2010

I Just Can't Let Them Do This

Most of us have our holiday traditions that we look forward to each year. One of the things I enjoy at Christmas time is decadent indulgence into a can of Almond Roca. Few things in this world come as close to perfection as this little confection. I especially like that I can buy a whole can of it for about $4.50 at Christmas time. And this year was no exception.
As I did my holiday shopping I looked up and down every possible aisle at the grocery store for the old familiar pink can. But alas, to no avail. The only thing I could find was a new box of Almond Roca. You know, the kind of "gift box" which, in economical or mathematical terms translates to, "gyp box". Sure enough, that was it. Brown & Haley decided that they could swindle more money out of their Roca-drunk slaves by selling their little golden nuggets by the box instead of the more bulk-oriented tub. This way they could swaddle each little piece of bullion in a plastic cradle, separated from the other pieces. You know, because they're so special?
Anyhow, of course I bought it regardless. It turns out there are a total of only 9 pieces of Almond Roca in the gift box. That's right...only NINE! That's not even enough for a meal! I think we need to expect more in this country, people. Like at least a couple dozen more. Who's with me?

Saturday, October 30, 2010

The Guilty Tip

Does anyone else feel an uncomfortable obligation to write in a tip amount on a "to go" receipt when picking up your food? Having worked in the food service industry myself for several years I know what a difference tips can make, but honestly, isn't it presumptuous to set a "To Go Tips Appreciated" jar on the counter? The tip, as I understand it, is the prerogative of the patron as a way of showing appreciation for prompt, courteous and accurate service. Somehow, it has evolved into an obligation. And further still...We are now expected to throw in a few dollars for them handing the bag of food to you. I don't want to come across as a tightwad, but when I draw the line through the 'Tip:' portion of the receipt and total it up before I sign it, I always feel like they are watching me with hungry eyes and mumbling choice expletives under their breath about me. It would seem I now need to give people a few dollars just so they won't call me names. Anyone else as cheap as me?

Saturday, October 9, 2010


Since when was the word "wheel" not good enough?

Friday, October 8, 2010

It's no exaggeration...It's QUITE LITERAL!

Take notice - You will NEVER see more than 50% of any State road crew working at one time, and usually more like 25%. Take a look at all of the workers on the crew the next time you pass by road work and you will see a group of several guys leaning on shovels, or one foot up on something while they chat, a few guys sitting in the cabs of their trucks, and maybe one or two actually working. I've been noticing this for years. It's uncanny. How is this allowed? I've worked in construction of many different forms for many many years. I've seen a lot of slacking in my time, but nothing like a state road crew. It's kind of irritating when you realize that your tax dollars are paying their wages.

Friday, October 1, 2010

Glenn Danzig Buying Kitty Litter

It's difficult to worship the devil when you keep getting whiffs of that not-so-fresh scent wafting up from the cat box into your chambers.
After Glenn loads the groceries into the Prius, it's off to pick up the dry cleaning, then to the salon to have his eyebrows re-dyed.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Deep Inventions - The Portable Automobile Telephone

It's a telephone that works right in your car!! The power comes from the automobiles battery, and the radio waves are transmitted and received from a miniature satellite dish which mounts to the roof of the vehicle. Now you can have long distance conversations from the convenience of the drivers seat!

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

"Perky" and "Sassy" and "Bubbly" and "Maddeningly Obnoxious"

Are we supposed to find her endearing or witty? If the only advertising strategy is to come up with a "memorable" mascot that has absolutely nothing to do with telling you why you should buy their product instead of someone else's, then they've succeeded. I deeply dislike this approach to marketing, sales and advertising. Why not simply concentrate on making the best product/service you can and then using your valuable advertising money and time to convince the consumer that your product/service is superior? Why not? Because we're floating in an ocean of cultural garbage and its more profitable to just produce cheap junk and paste a face like this on the can. I have less and less faith in mankind with every generation of commercials.
Oh, and also: This woman scares the crap out of me. She looks like a cannibal eyeballing her victim...Does she not?

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Nikki Sixx Is Coming To Thanksgiving

A friend suggested that we invite Nikki Sixx to Thanksgiving this year as it might throw an interesting musical dynamic to the festivities. I told him it was alright by me, as long as Nikki Sixx brought his own turkey so there would be plenty for everyone. I wouldn't want to be like, "Man, that turkey was delish...I'd love to have more, but I see Nikki Sixx is eyeballing the last thigh. Dangit, Nikki Sixx!"
Also, I must insist that he chose between either a belt OR suspenders. And the hair should be combed neatly to one side.
p.s. - Thanksgiving being a civilized celebration, we will be using our given Christian names. Hence, Mr. Sixx will be addressed as Nicholas Sixxowski.

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Deep Inventions - The Digital Automobile Billboard

Let other drivers know what's on your mind with the new, personal digital auto billboard. Voice recognition software inside the car will post your message to the driver behind, in front or beside you. Let em know what you think! Give em valuable driving tips and recommendations! Go know you want to!

Saturday, May 29, 2010

Are You The Kind of Person Who:

1. Do you ever leave garbage in a shopping cart?
2. Do you ever leave your shopping cart in the parking lot somewhere instead of returning it to its "corral"?
3. If a piece of garbage falls out of your car while the door is open, do you always pick it up, or do you let it stay on the ground? How about if the wind catches it...will you chase after it to pick it up?
4. If you're in line at the grocery store and it's time to pay and/or acknowledge your cashier but you're on the phone, will you continue to talk on the phone or will you tell them you'll call them back in a minute and courteously attend to the business at hand?
5. Do you ever wear t-shirts with negative slogans or sayings on it such as, "what are you looking at?" or "you suck!"?
6. Do you tailgate people on the road?
7. Do you pass people only to drive the same speed or slower in front of them?
8. Do you ever embellish a story for no apparent reason?
9. Do you hop on the trend wagon with phrases like, "I know, right?"

...This little quiz is intended as a social barometer. A kind of opportunity for you to take a look at yourself and see where you are at in relation to where you'd like to be in society.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

People That Need To Be Slapped (In No Particular Order)

These are people that, in my humble opinion, desperately need a very stiff-fingered slap which is warranted by their audacity.

'P. Diddy' which is short for 'Puff Diddy', which is a longer way of saying 'Diddy', which is another way of saying 'Puff Daddy', which is another way of saying 'Puffy' which are all egonyms for Sean Combs who has contributed next to nothing to humanity, but for some reason, needs a whole bunch of names for validation. In the world of rap, 'Diddy' makes cameo appearances left and right on other "artists" songs wherein he may dollop a "yeah" here or garnish with a sprig of "uh" there. It would seem that this collaboration is what we're all supposed to be so excited about. Anyhow, all of this adds up to the need for a severe slapping.

Bret Michaels has been begging for a harsh flogging for over two decades - Ever since I first saw him prancing around stage with the rest of the cross-dressing ensemble of bubblegum garbage known as 'Poison'. Here he is, decades later, getting his picture all over the pathetic tabloids...It's a chick with whiskers that can't sing, people...let's move on to something worthy of the time and attention. Incidentally, the wearing of the bandanna in the hospital bed is cause enough for a smack!

"All hat and no cattle" Mr. McGoo here, er uh McGraw, is simply in love with himself. Remember when cowboys were grungy, dirty, hard-working prairie dogs who slept in the dirt and had no teeth? Men wanted to be cowboys back then because of how "manly" cowboys were. So how do you explain this? The well-scrubbed, manicured, pedicured, cucumber and seaweed peel wrapped cowperson of today apparently dons a crisp $700 hat and has no problem bringing the blue of his eyes out with ambient lighting to sell cologne at Wal-Mart. The smackometer is pegging out!

"I'm Julia Roberts and I'm eating some gelato and I'm going to ride my bike through a rice paddy and then ride an elephant and find myself while travelling abroad and sip cappuccinos and be obnoxious and women everywhere will want to be me and think I'm adorable and I'M GONNA GET SMACKED!!"

Friday, April 23, 2010

Stuff I Hate (In No Particular Order)

1. The "cute" slang shortening of the word 'little' to 'lil'. For that matter, I hate any cute shortening of a word...Nobody is impressed, just spell it and say it correctly!!! (p.s. - there is a business of some sort here in my town which has managed to absolutely enrage me with its is called, now get this - 'Lil Dis & Lil Dat'. Can you believe it? Someone actually had the nerve to try to pull that off. I don't care what kind of business it is or how good their service is or how inexpensive their products are, I WOULD NEVER EVER GIVE THEM MY BUSINESS ON PRINCIPLE!

2. Twenty something young men with flat-billed baseball caps worn sideways and unoriginal tattoos of barbed wire or other sharp/dangerous adornment and driving $60,000 trucks with obnoxiously loud exhausts that gush big clouds of black smoke. There is a pathetically large number of these misguided young fellows in my town. So insecure and lacking any sense of self-worth that they dump every extra penny into their trucks in a desperate plea for attention...sadly these same individuals are usually delinquent on their child support payments (usually with more than one woman) but still seem to find the money to buy their little chrome skulls and naked lady silhouettes to decorate their 20 foot tall trucks which require an extension ladder to get into. My hate-o-meter is beginning to peg out as I write this.

3. People who stand too close to me in line at the store. I can't stand it when people crowd right up next to me with either their bodies, or their shopping cart. To all of you self-centered people who do this: Stop!! It is incredibly annoying, obnoxious and rude. You'll not make it through the line any faster by crowding people (this also goes for traffic). In such situations I have been known to turn around and stand facing the person standing right behind me. This is a great way to silently announce that "YOU'RE STANDING TOO CLOSE...BACK UP!!!"

4. Parking lot "Tent Sales" that aren't really sales. Here in my town we have a store called 'Basin Sports' which, from time to time, moves a whole bunch of its overpriced crap outside under a tent and tries to pawn it off to the public like it is some special event. Everyone is supposed to go on a shopping spree because there's a tent in the parking lot!! BUT ALL OF THE MERCHANDISE IS THE SAME PRICE AS WHEN IT WAS INSIDE THE STORE! How utterly lame!

Thursday, April 1, 2010

War Movie Review

i watched 'green zone' today, starring matt damon. if you like war movies, it was excellent...if not, you won't like it because it's a war movie. but did i mention that it was an excellent one? well it is, regardless of my mentioning it or not. but don't bother if you're not a war movie fan, because this is definitely a war movie. i could tell from all of the battle scenes.

there were definitely other scenes in the movie besides just battle scenes, but it was the battle scenes in particular that gave it away as a "war" movie. also, it was about a war and had strong themes of warfare and warriors (soldiers) all of whom were combating one another in a warlike manner. i guess you could say it was a war flick.

which i happen to like. i don't know about you.

i guess i should qualify that last statement - or second to last...i don't like ALL war movies. the boring ones are the ones i DON'T like. also the sucky ones. but if its good and its about war, you can count me in.

this also goes for romance movies, sci-fi, horror and comedies.

but there's nothing funny about war.

except for if one soldier cracks a good joke to a group of soldiers like, say, in the mess hall. that would crack me up!

other than the upbeat camaraderie of brothers-in-arms telling jokes, there's nothing funny about war. it's bloody and brutal.

and times.

i think that if i had to pick the funniest thing about war it would be all the jokes the soldiers tell to one another. especially the knee-slappers. those ones are the BEST!!

the only thing is, apart from the jokes, war is hell. and hell is like purgatory filled up to the max with the most hellish components. let's not forget that hell is no laughing matter. and neither is war. both hell and war are 100% bummers and there's probably only 2-5% (pretty much negligible) about either that is funny!

that makes me think of something i was wondering before - i wonder if any jokes are ever told in hell? if there are, i bet they aren't funny.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Trivia Question #2

What is the most delicious kind of Roca?

Almond Roca

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Hilarious At First - But Then Very Sad For Humanity At Large

In terms of evolution, this is a convincing argument against bipedalism. I can't help but wonder just how much more alcohol the human being could consume should he have evolved a third leg. One could then set oneself tripod-like - safely prepared for the consumption of deadly amounts of booze.
I've never seen intoxication to this extent before. In my experience, people this drunk usually go down and stay down. Again, I laugh at the sheer spectacle of it all, but then it breaks my heart to see examples of lives going wrong like this. As a former alcoholic, I know firsthand that there's much more involved than just stumbling around doing crazy things. This represents missed opportunities, lifelong regrets, lifelong humiliation and embarrassment, the pain of family and loved ones who have to watch this happening. Every day spent drunk is a day not spent reading with your child or hiking in the wilderness.
Sorry if I began to wax poetic there, but this hits a little close to home...And yet, morbidly funny.
I'm not sure where I'm going with this - I just couldn't turn it off once it started.
(p.s. - what's with the song?)

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Tech Corner

Hello again! It seems that I can't go a full day anymore without my inbox bursting at the seams with requests for advice and questions. So, in an effort to redouble our efforts here at Tech Corner, we have decided to release back to back articles. We hope this helps.
Okay, let's address a very commonly used, but little understood piece of technological equipment - The Mouse. I'm not talking about a real mouse, but your computer mouse. The mouse got its name because it looks kind of like a real mouse. The body is the plastic part, the tail is the wire, the head is the front part of the plastic part etc.
This little doohickey is how we interface with the world nowadays. This doohickey and the computer buttons. But usually just this. Unless you have to type something. Buttons notwithstanding, lets focus on the mouse.
The mouse itself is made up of several components including:
1.) The plastic case, a ball and a wire.
The case holds the ball and one end of the wire, while the ball does all the rolling. Whatever the ball rolls over is transmitted through the wire to the computer. Modern mouses (or mice) also have some buttons on them which can be depressed with a fingertip, or if you have no fingers for some reason, your thumbtip - either way, the result is the same. By pushing the buttons different things will happen. You just need to spend a little time playing around with it. Roll left, right, up or down. Press the buttons with your finger (or thumb) and see what happens. When something happens, remember what it is and write it down on a piece of paper so that in the future you will be able to refer to your notes. This will ensure a consistent method of learning and memorizing the functions of your mouse.
Don't be afraid...take it for a spin. Technology is here to help us, and I am here to help you!
Thanks for reading and keep those requests coming - Remember, the more you understand, the smarter you are!

Tech Corner

Upon receiving such a massive onslaught of demand for more Tech corner (actual amount - 0), we return with the highly anticipated fourth installment. Many apologies for the hiatus but our entire staff (me) has been caught up in the fight for truth, justice, liberty and the American way. Which fight also includes plenty of rest and casual dining...Dining for justice!!
Anyhow - here we are. As February ebbs and we prepare for the rites of Spring our thoughts turn to natures gift of renewal. Nature has its own way of natural process and one way we, as humans, honor that natural method is by synthesising it and then relying upon it to provide us with the life-sustaining necessities and the quality of living that only simulated nature can provide.
Such is the case with the incubator. Where once mothers womb was the only bastion of repose for all critters growing, nature has provided mankind with an all-natural 120 volt alternative.
The incubator was invented in the early 1950's as a way to keep things warm and growing under strictly supervised conditions. Some of the early uses for the incubator was the chicken egg. Eggs were being laid by hens and then sat upon for weeks and weeks before hatching. The incubator sped up the process by virtually eliminating the hen and hatching the egg in a fraction of the time. The early settings on the incubators required fine-tuning as the hatchlings would often emerge over easy. But today, thanks to modern science, we have incubators that operate with ease and precision.
Here's how it works:
1.) The incubator is plugged in to a power source.
2.) The 'Power' button is activated by a method of either toggling or depression (some variations of this can be found in other means of mechanical engagement).
3.) Power surges forth into the actual incubating chamber.
4.) The desired incubatee is placed in said chamber where it receives steady, metered doses of incubation until, at just the right moment, the incubation is complete.
5.) Out comes planet Earth's newest addition - a baby chicken. Or duck, goose, tomato, or whatever you incubated.
Soon enough, it is predicted, nature will accommodate mankind to such an extent as to render mothers altogether unnecessary. Thanks, Mother Nature!
Well, thanks for all your support and patronage to Tech Corner (actual patronage amount - 0), and we (I) look forward to seeing you all (nobody) again soon.
Remember, the more you understand, the smarter you are!

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Harold Manbach Attends Nascar

Racing enthusiast, Harold Manbach keeps one eye on his Bud Light and the other intensely fixed on the hypnotic dance that is Nascar. Harold has observed the beloved tradition of Nascar since he was a child. "Nascar is more than just a sport - It's a way of life," he told us as his favored #24 car makes its 890th lap. "I grew up here at the track. I never get tired of it. I could just watch them cars go round an round all day and all night. I mean, they're just so fast and loud."
Fast and loud indeed. Not unlike, say a Metallica cover band, which happens to be performing next to the empanada stand near the south entrance of the track. "Metallica rocks!" exclaimed Harold with an enthusiasm rivaling his passion for his beloved #24 car and driver. "#24 rocks!" he added.
When we asked Harold what it was, exactly, that he found so intoxicating about the sport he told us, "It's just awesome how they go so fast. Plus the the cars look so cool. Some say 'Skoal' on the side, some say 'Budweiser' and my favorite one says 'Marlboro' right on the hood for the blimp and the whole world to see...that's ole #24!!! Wooooohoooooo!!!"

Harold, age 6, was "raised on Lynyrd Skynyrd and Nascar and was born with a Bud in his bottle".

The Power Button

Just curious - Who decided that this was going to be the new, universal symbol for "Power"? At some point, all power buttons began to have this odd symbol and it seems that the entire globe just intrinsically knew what it meant. I didn't get the memo and it took me years to figure out that it meant "Power". But what IS the symbol? It doesn't look like "Power". I mean, a handicap symbol is a person in a wheel chair - makes sense. A stop sign has the symbol "STOP" on it which really really makes sense. But what is the semi circle broken by a vertical dash? How did we arrive at that? Which committee reviewed all of the proposed symbols and decided that this symbol was the least confusing and best fit for the job?

Monday, February 15, 2010

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Ken Lee - Tulibu Dibu Douchoo!

It's no wonder the world is falling down around our ears and we don't know it...We are mesmerized by such incredible spectacles as this. All I can tell you is, tulibu dibu douchoo. I mean it. Dibu Douchoo. And that's my final answer.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Carpe Diem!

Here's To Ya, Walmart Pajama People!

Go ahead, let the world know you've given up. It's okay to wear your Dale Earnhardt pajama bottoms to Walmart...and then to bed, and then to lay around the house all day, and then to bed again, and then back to Walmart. After all, you're not trying to impress anyone.

Here's To Ya, White Trash Window Blanket!

Nothing says, "Not now...I'm doing drugs" quite like a White Trash Window Blanket. From The Confederate Flag to Ozzy Osbourne. From The New York Jets to A Skull With A Snake Wrapped Around It. The White Trash Window Blanket offers the privacy you need to cook meth while maintaining that midnight ambiance throughout mid day. Plus, it's a darn good way to display your colors. Here's to ya!

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Brimleys Cat Is Also A Grouch!!

"It's the right thing to do and a good way to do it. Now DO IT!!"

Are All Liberals Required to Drive Subaru's?

Throughout our modern American popular culture we are inundated with cliche's. In a desperate effort to be "different" or "unique" many youth get funny haircuts or pierce something that will attract attention which, sadly, is in textbook compliance with the fashion of the day thereby actually succumbing to the very "norm" they had hoped to subvert. I myself fell victim to this mirage of "rebellion" as a lad. This tradition has been handed down from generation to generation and is commonly understood by most.
Unfortunately many adults find themselves bound by the same social expectations. Never was there a better example than the cliche of being a Subaru Outback owner. Apparently there is an unwritten, but widely accepted law that if you are liberal you are obligated to display your loyalty by driving one of these vehicles. Especially with a 'Thule' or 'Yakima' cargo case on top. It is one's way of saying to the world, "Hey, buddy! I am a vegetarian who loves dogs and the outdoors. I am NOT homophobic and am open to suggestions. We must stop using fossil fuels!!..Oh crap, I'm almost out of gas. And, um, oh yeah, I don't like George Bush."
Next, we find our polar fleece Patagonia-vested liberal friend filling up his Subaru with fossil fuel at the Huge Corporate Gas Station while he refills his $30 Eddie Bauer stainless steel coffee mug inside with Starbucks coffee which is picked by oppressed foreigners for pennies a day. And so the activist movement continues.
Please, correct me if you find this to be an exaggerated scenario. But honestly, how many Subaru Outback owners do you think actually voted McCain in '08?
Subaru...It's the new Volkswagen!

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Trivia Question #1

Which kind of ketchup is the fancier ketchup?
1.) Hunts Fancy Ketchup
2.) Heintz Extra Fancy Ketchup

2.) Heintz Extra Fancy Ketchup

Recent Studies Show Sexual Intercourse Number One Cause of Pregnancy

A recent study by researchers at the University of Buckley in Boston released its findings today with some surprising results. The panel of clinicians and doctors formally announced its 212 page report conclusive - The number One cause of pregnancy in America in 2009 - sexual intercourse.
The announcement came early this morning in a press release, nearly two months earlier than its scheduled quarterly report. When asked why the sudden conclusion Dr. Ezra Heintz of Buckley told us, "The evidence was simply too overwhelming to ignore. After just six weeks the lab results were consistent in nearly every case study. The pattern began emerging and the conclusive results could not be disputed. It's now a verified scientific fact. Once we had the results in front of us there was really no need to investigate any further."
Physicians analyzed data from over 2000 individual studies of genome sequencing and DNA testing. "Each time," said the board of gynecology at U.B. "the cause of the pregnancy was consistently traced back to the same singular event."
Researchers say that couples who engaged in sexual intercourse were as much as 100% more likely to become pregnant than those known to have been completely abstinent. Telling numbers indeed.
Doctors say that sexual intercourse could be responsible for at least half of all the pregnancies throughout the United States in the last few decades. "It now seems more likely than not", said one of the panelists. The cause next likely to result in pregnancy was found to be artificial insemination.
"At this point, anything seems possible and we're not ruling anything out...but intercourse now seems to be the main culprit," stated Dr. Heintz. When asked which of the two sexes were more responsible for the actual conception Dr. Heintz told us "we're not exactly sure how the female subjects became pregnant, but at this point it seems evident that the egg played no small roll and therefore, I would have to say that it is likely to be the female who is most responsible for conception." A statement, some say, likely to be used as evidence in countless "Deadbeat Dad" cases across the nation.
The independent study was funded by the Food and Drug Administration and by Federal Grants with monies allocated from the tax-payers at large. The findings came in just under the allotted budget of $3.5 million.
2010 Babbleon News

Friday, January 15, 2010

Boring Actors You Don't Want At Your Party Because They're Too Boring

Dick Van Patten - Let's kick things off by introducing the terminally dosile Mr. Dick Van Patten. Dicks no-frills approach to acting lent itself well to his role as the paralyzingly boring Tom Bradford from 'Eight is Enough'. This show was an all-out snoozefest which could most aptly be compared to a cup of warm milk. Dick would no doubt be the target of the guy who had too much to drink at the party.

Karen Grassle - Not even the bonnet kept anyone interested in Karen's character Ma Ingalls on the show 'Boring House on the Prarie'. Her monotone dialogue was as drab as her pioneer skirts. At your party you'd be sure to find Karen timidly nibbling a rice cake off somewhere by herself. Incidentally, the most boring kind of landscape: a prarie.

Adam Rich - My goodness the 70's were a fertile decade for pointless shows about nothing starring dull people doing lame things. Adam sedated audiences weekly as Nicholas Bradford on 'Eight is Enough'. I bet his favorite toy was a whittled wooden horse.

Bonnie Franklin - Carrying the bowl haircut torch through the 70's, Bonnie was Dull incarnate as Ann Romano in T.V.'s 'One Day at a Time'. Seen here displaying her signiture vacant-eyed expression that was as emotionless as it was memorable. Now, what were we talking about?

And finally, the haircut lands on the robot. Gil Gerard AND Twiggy jockey for the more boring role. It's boredom in galactic proportions as Gils performance as Buck Rogers, one of the most lackluster heroes of all time, is executed with tedious blandness. His adorable sidekick, Twiggy, was niether adorable nor entertaining. "Biddy biddy boring!"

Edward James Olmos - Would most likely talk with your guests all night about obscure 19th century Latino nonfiction writers.

Fred Ward - Remember Remo Williams? Yeah, neither do I.

Bill Pullman - I used to confuse this guy with Bill Paxton. How could you ever describe his face to a police sketch artist?

Bill Paxton - I think this guy sold me a pair of shoes once.

Larry Wilcox - (so boring he gets a black and white photo) Of 'CHiPs Patrol' fame. One of the few actors in history actually capable of making motorcycles boring. It's guys like Wilcox that gave white people their reputation for being lame. At your party, you would find Larry sleeping on the sofa. Not because he drank too much, just because he was tired.

Kevin Tighe - Played Roy DeSoto in one of the most boring television programs of all time - 'Emergency'. I remember watching him a few times as a child and it seemed that none of the other kids wanted to play with me after that. He'd be the one to pick a fight at your party. Probably with Van Patten. Which I guess isn't all that boring after all.

Randolph Mantooth - Also from the show 'Emergency', Randolph took mediocre acting to a boring new level as the bland EMT Johnny Gage. Cool name, though - Mantooth. It's my guess that he's now the most handsome accountant in his office.

Ralph Fiennes - Boring and pretentious and starring exclusively in "intellectual" movies. You know, the ones that you stop after about 5 minutes and change the channel to watch the 'Sham-Wow' infomercial instead. Ralph would cordially excuse himself from the party and retire to the study.

John Malkovich - While I understand that John is considered a great actor by some, I have to say that he's mind-numbingly dull to me. John is Ralph Fiennes' #1 competitor for the lead part in those intellectual movies. He would most likely talk opera to the other party goers and eat the yucky hors d'ouvres that nobody else melba toast.

Wilford Brimley - Would spend all evening on the can.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to lie down and stare at a wall for a few hours.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Tech Corner

Last time, on Tech Corner, we explored the exciting new technology of solar power. We learned how the solar panel works and many wonderful applications that are capitalizing on our galaxies greatest source of harmless energy...the sun. Let's briefly recap: The sun emits powerful lunar rays which shine down on the earth and give us what we call "sunshine". This power is harnessed through solar panels and turned into useful electricity which we all benefit from.
Today we're going to examine exactly how these powerful lunar rays are utilized to power, you guessed it...tanning beds.
The tanning bed was invented in 1984 by a Bavarian scientist named Josef Tanning after receiving a nasty sunburn while on holiday in Spain. Dr. Tanning was struck with the inspiration of harnessing the sunshine and directing it into a sort of "bed" wherein one could lay and expose oneself to a metered, controlled amount of sunshine. He called his invention 'The Tanning Bed'.
Today we see tanning beds all over, so much so that we may take them for granted. But have you ever stopped to think about just how much exposure to dangerous, man-made electricity your skin has endured in conventional beds? This harmful synthetic electricity has been documented to cause such cancers as skin cancer, dermatitis and blisters.
Thanks to the solar panel and the harmless lunar rays it utilizes, science is conquering skin cancer one bed at a time. Here's how the solar-powered tanning bed works:
1.) Lunar rays are captured by the solar panels with special ray-catching machinery.
2.) The sunshine is then transferred into the tanning bed via special energy transferring methods.
3.) Sunshine is emitted inside the tanning bed for a smooth, even tan that will have your friends craving Pina Coladas and taking pictures!
So you see, unlike superstitious primitive sun-worshipping cultures around the world, we have nothing to fear from the sun these days but, perhaps, overexposure to awesomeness and, perhaps, just a touch too much sexy!
Thanks Dr. Tanning, and thank you to all of the solar scientists who make life better and safer.
Remember, the more you understand, the smarter you are!

Monday, January 11, 2010

Tech Corner

Welcome to the second installment of Tech Corner - your one-stop, all-inclusive spot for all things technical. Having trouble understanding technology? Don't worry, you're not alone. Millions are baffled by the incessant wave of "new and improved" gadgets every day. Tech Corner is here to help you make sense of it all.
Today we're going to take an in-depth look at an exploding technology that is helping people do their part to help prevent global warming while saving a few bucks along the way. I'm talking about solar energy.
When we look at what's going on with our ecology and our environment these days it doesn't take a scientist to see that we're going desperately wrong. Our dependency on fossil fuels has become our undoing. Luckily technology is there to save the day, like a gigantic American Eagle swooping down on a dying victim and snatching him up in his huge talons of freedom and placing him safely in his comfy nest of democracy. The latest advancements in solar technology promise a wonderful, renewable, sustainable alternative energy source upon which to rely...the sun!
Primitive peoples such as the Incas and the Mayans knew about the sun centuries before we did. They harnessed the suns energy for everything from growing crops to heating their cooking water, bath water and for laying around and soaking in a few rays. Early solar panels made of palm fronds and rocks have been unearthed by archaeologists in South America which proves that the technology isn't new, but has been around for hundreds of years.
While today's solar panels are made out of more advanced materials than rocks and leaves, the principle is still the same. Let's take a closer look at the hows and the whys of it all:
1.) The suns rays are filled with electricity which beams down upon the earth 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, come rain or shine.
2.) Solar panels made out of special "sun electricity-catching" material act as giant funnels which capture the electricity and drain it down special hoses which are attached to electrical outlets and what-not.
3.) The actual sunlight is captured in other special hoses which are attached to light fixtures. The sunlight travels through the hoses and is dropped into the light bulbs at the other end, and voila!! You have light inside the building.
When you break it down step by step, it's not hard to see how this advanced, yet amazingly simple technology is helping to save the world one ray at a time.
Keep checking in for the latest edition of Tech Corner - Next time we'll be focusing on the solar powered tanning beds that are soon to be all the rage.
Thank you for joining me, and remember; the more you understand, the smarter you are!

Saturday, January 9, 2010

Representin' Amerika n Stuff

Most of us have already seen this, but it may warrant another go just for the sake of shock and awe. While it is NOT my intention to be mean-spirited or to laugh at anothers expense, I cannot resist the sheer spectacle. Honestly...where are we at, as a civilization? How far are we willing to degrade ourselves and one another? Is this a social barometer? What does our future hold? We must, betimes, gaze at the heavens and wonder.

Tech Corner

Welcome to the first installment of Tech Corner, where I will be periodically highlighting different facets of technology. Here you'll find useful tidbits of information, tips and tricks, and tech advice from a firsthand "computer geek" to make your techworld a simpler place in which to live. In this installment I would like to spotlight the Home Computer. The computer has evolved alot over the years, and now, it seems that many people have their own personal computer right in their homes. This is an exceptionally easy way to perform all of your computations and computer-related tasks from the convenience of home. Where only a few decades ago computers were restricted to top secret branches of the military and the plaything of the superelite and megawealthy, today many people can compute their own equations from home offices, bedrooms, living rooms or dens with a few simple keystrokes. Let's take a closer look at the nuts and bolts of the home computer:
1.) The Rectangle Box - This is the box that holds all of the wires and electricity for the computer (essentially the "brains" of the computer).
2.) The buttons - These are individual buttons which are grouped together and pushed to execute specific commands (executables). Such buttons may include the 'Off' button. The 'On' button. Or the 'L' button.
3.) The T.V. - This is a special TV that you look at to see the different pictures and words the computer wants to show you.
4.) The Wires - These are long, spaghetti-like things that connect one piece of hardware to another. These have electric in them and should not be cut with scissors or pliers.
5.) Other Illuminated Boxes - These are other boxes of various shapes which have lights on them which indicate that the computer is working. Should one of these lights go out, don't panic. Simply unplug the computer from the wall and plug it back in. You might also try tapping the light with something lightweight like a lightweight paperweight or something. Remember - Not all computer lights need to be lit up all the time.
If you find yourself one day with a computer in your very own home, take the time to become familiar with these various pieces of equipment. Experiment. Push different buttons and see what happens. Connect the wires in different arrangements and see what happens. Have fun. Remember - The more you understand, the smarter you are!

Where Have All The Picnics Gone?

I watched a program recently (I can't remember what it was or where I saw it) which has been on my mind lately. In the show there was a man being interviewed and he was talking about how when he was a kid they used to have neighborhood block parties all the time. In the evening, after school and work, entire families could be seen sitting on their porches or stoops and eating in the yards. Children played in the streets and on sidewalks and everybody knew each other. People had close neighborhoods and it was a social environment. (I am reminded that it takes a village to raise a child). Then, shortly after television was introduced to America, he said, the porches, yards and streets were empty. You could drive down the road and see the blue lights of television sets illuminating the living rooms through every ones windows.
Now we have the internet, facebook, myspace, cable TV, satellite, DVR, ipods, cell phones, texting etc. etc. All of these serve as a means of isolation. Our modern culture is one that is relatively solitary. I have friends who prefer to chat via instant messenger than to talk on the phone even. IM provides a certain sort of silent buffer and detachment in the communication.
Where have all the picnics gone? The family dinners? The weekends at the park? Board game nights? How often do you see fathers playing basketball or baseball with their children? Compare this to how often you see fathers scolding their children in Wal Mart (the cultural epicenter in every community now). Perhaps it's time we rethink living virtually and breathe a little air. Take our children outside and play with them. Read a book instead of turning on the television. Cook a meal instead of peeling back the lid on a Swanson chemical entree. Invite friends over for dinner instead of sitting on facebook...
Just a suggestion which I would do well to consider myself. Now please excuse me - I'm going to get off of this computer and go act like a husband and a father for a while!

Tuesday, January 5, 2010