Friday, January 15, 2010

Boring Actors You Don't Want At Your Party Because They're Too Boring

Dick Van Patten - Let's kick things off by introducing the terminally dosile Mr. Dick Van Patten. Dicks no-frills approach to acting lent itself well to his role as the paralyzingly boring Tom Bradford from 'Eight is Enough'. This show was an all-out snoozefest which could most aptly be compared to a cup of warm milk. Dick would no doubt be the target of the guy who had too much to drink at the party.

Karen Grassle - Not even the bonnet kept anyone interested in Karen's character Ma Ingalls on the show 'Boring House on the Prarie'. Her monotone dialogue was as drab as her pioneer skirts. At your party you'd be sure to find Karen timidly nibbling a rice cake off somewhere by herself. Incidentally, the most boring kind of landscape: a prarie.

Adam Rich - My goodness the 70's were a fertile decade for pointless shows about nothing starring dull people doing lame things. Adam sedated audiences weekly as Nicholas Bradford on 'Eight is Enough'. I bet his favorite toy was a whittled wooden horse.

Bonnie Franklin - Carrying the bowl haircut torch through the 70's, Bonnie was Dull incarnate as Ann Romano in T.V.'s 'One Day at a Time'. Seen here displaying her signiture vacant-eyed expression that was as emotionless as it was memorable. Now, what were we talking about?

And finally, the haircut lands on the robot. Gil Gerard AND Twiggy jockey for the more boring role. It's boredom in galactic proportions as Gils performance as Buck Rogers, one of the most lackluster heroes of all time, is executed with tedious blandness. His adorable sidekick, Twiggy, was niether adorable nor entertaining. "Biddy biddy boring!"

Edward James Olmos - Would most likely talk with your guests all night about obscure 19th century Latino nonfiction writers.

Fred Ward - Remember Remo Williams? Yeah, neither do I.

Bill Pullman - I used to confuse this guy with Bill Paxton. How could you ever describe his face to a police sketch artist?

Bill Paxton - I think this guy sold me a pair of shoes once.

Larry Wilcox - (so boring he gets a black and white photo) Of 'CHiPs Patrol' fame. One of the few actors in history actually capable of making motorcycles boring. It's guys like Wilcox that gave white people their reputation for being lame. At your party, you would find Larry sleeping on the sofa. Not because he drank too much, just because he was tired.

Kevin Tighe - Played Roy DeSoto in one of the most boring television programs of all time - 'Emergency'. I remember watching him a few times as a child and it seemed that none of the other kids wanted to play with me after that. He'd be the one to pick a fight at your party. Probably with Van Patten. Which I guess isn't all that boring after all.

Randolph Mantooth - Also from the show 'Emergency', Randolph took mediocre acting to a boring new level as the bland EMT Johnny Gage. Cool name, though - Mantooth. It's my guess that he's now the most handsome accountant in his office.

Ralph Fiennes - Boring and pretentious and starring exclusively in "intellectual" movies. You know, the ones that you stop after about 5 minutes and change the channel to watch the 'Sham-Wow' infomercial instead. Ralph would cordially excuse himself from the party and retire to the study.

John Malkovich - While I understand that John is considered a great actor by some, I have to say that he's mind-numbingly dull to me. John is Ralph Fiennes' #1 competitor for the lead part in those intellectual movies. He would most likely talk opera to the other party goers and eat the yucky hors d'ouvres that nobody else melba toast.

Wilford Brimley - Would spend all evening on the can.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to lie down and stare at a wall for a few hours.


  1. Hey...Come on "Little House on the Praire" is a classic! Both Jeremy and I loved it! But I do have to agree about Ma " Timid little "let's not make a fuss" Ingalls. Come on already! Love your blog by the way! Keep it up!

  2. Your Babble Isn't FunnySeptember 15, 2010 at 1:55 AM

    Kevin Tighe is a highly respected character actor.

    Randy Mantooth is still acting. BTW, his name is Native American.

    Larry is one of the least boring people you'll ever meet. He fought in Vietnam, has raced cars, flown with the Blue Angels, and done more interesting and unboring things in his 63 years than you could ever dream of doing.

  3. I didn't mean to offend you, Mrs. Wilcox. I'm sure there are people who respect Tighes acting...People also like Chris Tucker movies. Nevertheless, your excellent points have made me realize that I seemed to have grossly neglected my CHiPs patrol research. Please forgive me?
    If you have a minute, would you please email me Eric Estradas favorite banana bread recipe? Oh, and a comprehensive biography on the 'Little House' camera guy...what was his name again?