barquedust's babbleon: Classic Mitch Hedberg

Deep Thoughts

deep inventions: The Talkie Walkie. it functions nearly identically to the Walkie Talkie, but it also has a mute button and an MP3 player. you simply talk while you walk...or listen to music.
-barquedust

"isn't a large part of what we call 'science' really just luck?"
-barquedust

"If I bought a company that made hot dog buns, on Day 1 we would add 2 buns to every package ... Day 2, work on deliciousness."
- Mitch Hedberg

"I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to too."
-Mitch Hedberg

"So what, exactly, is the difference between a 'number' and a 'numeral' - i mean apart from pretense?"
- barquedust

"opium is the opiate of the masses."
- barquedust

"guns are a double edged sword."
- al cracker

"if trees could scream would man be so cavalier about cutting them down? maybe - if they screamed all the time for no good reason."
- Jack Handey

"i bet outer space isn't nearly as big as everybody thinks it is."
- barquedust

"i have an idea for getting out of work. bring a refrigerator box to work and just get inside whenever your boss comes around. how do you keep him from looking inside? simple: write EMPTY with a magic marker on the outside."
-al cracker

"if you absolutely MUST write poetry, please keep it short. thanks."
-barquedust

"if two birds in a nest yearn for their mother but she never returns, is it okay to go ahead and cook and eat them? probably not, if they're robins, but otherwise i say go ahead."
-barquedust

"sometimes i wonder if history isn't trying to teach us something. if it is, i bet its something to do with math."
-barquedust

"a pretty funny scenario for a sitcom would be this guy who was going to write a letter, so he tells his dog to go get him a pen. but the dog comes back with a pencil and the guy gets mad and scolds the dog for not knowing the difference between a pen and a pencil. then the guy starts writing his letter and you know what happens? he makes a mistake and erases it. just then he looks over at the dog and the dog looks up at him and then they both start cracking up."
-al Cracker

deep inventions: the automated computer - it's like a regular computer, but all of the computations are to be made at will by the simple press of a button. or sometimes, for some computations, a few buttons.
-barquedust

barquedust's babbleon

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Classic Mitch Hedberg

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